“WE’VE BEEN AT THIS FOR OVER THREE HOURS, AND YOU HAVEN’T DONE SHIT,” one of the admins derided as I attempted to calm the group of agitated ladies.
This was the fourth day in a row sparks had flown within the walls of the Sisters of Resistance, a gaming group that was born from the ashes of their previous endeavors. Established with a solid crew of seven, the “Seven Sisters”, as I jokingly called them by the name of a song from the metal band “The Sword”, were comprised of three multi-game professionals, and four new admins. The original trifecta consisted of three bright young ladies, all of whom were tragically torn by their self-righteous sense of justice. Born of the womb of a broken gaming clan, their splinter group was established under the premise of “absolute democracy”, which ironically led to some of the same pitfalls the American voting system breeds every four years. With no ideals of order set in stone upon their inception, they were left in a state of constitutional limbo. Of the seven sisters, only the three senior members were left vying for the rank of “leader”.
The first was a strong-willed, stubborn as hell lady that the group had lovingly dubbed, “Max”. Maxine was the group’s designated “tank”, which meant she took the hits for as long as possible in-game, and protected the group from harm. This was appropriate, as she more often than not carried a demeanor that one could only describe as “prickly”. She was a die-hard believer in the fact they had done the right thing by leaving, and it was her view that, “the only way the old group could survive was through us. We did all the work, and made all the progress. It’s only fair that we reap the benefits.” Unfortunately, she also had a quick temper, and the slightest transgressions sent her into a fit of rage.
The second of the trio was my liaison to the group. Her name was Caroline, but everyone in the group insisted on calling her “Carrie”, as she was informal, the oldest of the group, and was the member who hatched the idea to discard their previous guild, the Shield of the North. SotN was a guild on the game “RIFT”, who had a reputation for picking up primarily females, and members of the LGBT community. This had a positive effect, until the original leader suddenly disappeared, leaving them all to fend for themselves. Carrie decided it would be best for them to take as many people as possible and begin an exodus, and being that everyone in the guild knew Carrie as the only active admin left, they did as she requested out of respect. While Carrie was an experienced officer in multiple guilds for several years, she had a tendency to be indecisive on serious issues, and moments of temporary weakness left her paralyzed with inaction.
The third, and final member of the guild’s senior members was a remarkably calm girl that the majority of the group knew as “Saffron”. Her actual name was Molly, and she was Maxine’s younger sister. As you can imagine, this was a consistent problem for the both of them, whether it was between others or just themselves. Molly was the group’s “healer”, which meant she played a role as important as her sister’s. She kept her alive in dungeons and raids, and by way of reason— everyone else. While she was useful in the most desperate of situations, she was also regarded with an apparent amount of distance from the rest of the group. Molly was cool, and constantly calculating. She never flinched, but for some reason was prone to starting fights within the guild over positions that she felt were indefensible.
That’s where I come in.
I was brought in at the request of Caroline, in order to solve the disputes of the fledgling clan, and get them off the ground. Leading The Sic for over eight years, as well as the work I had done for multiple other guilds at the time, had given me an illustrious, if not notorious name among the series of games out at the time. Knowing my level of commitment, however, was enough to inspire confidence in Caroline, and she threw me a message requesting assistance. She wanted to place a cornerstone on the foundation of her guild by building a rank system, assembling a small council for top-tier members, and enacting a constitution for the guild to follow as law. I agreed, and informed her that her guild’s senior members would need to be present for at most a week, simply to create balance and order. She accepted the terms, and within hours her members were gathered in a TeamSpeak channel, readily awaiting the steps necessary to give birth to their cause. From the moment I opened my mouth, they became a flurry of innovation.
The first three days went by like flowing water. The sisters had worked tirelessly to come up with the right words to pass their code of conduct. In the end, the settled on a concrete base of seven rules; one created by each representative of their member corps. They knew their goals, and what sorts of targets they wanted to aim for. They knew who their prime recruiters were, and what their efforts could yield. They worked with purpose, discipline, and finesse. They had a website, an expanded voice server, and a forum to match. Everything moved at a quick, and even pace. That is, until the topic of leadership came up.
It started softly at first. Whispers danced through the air that there would be elections. Other rumors played with the idea that they would all lead in the small council. A couple of people, disillusioned by their momentary lapse of cooperation, felt there would be no chain of command, and they would exist in pseudo-anarchy. Even I had no idea what they had in mind, until all three of the most likely candidates approached me simultaneously.
“So…uhh. We were just curious because you haven’t made it clear yet,” Caroline gingerly inquired. “Who is going to be leader?”
I stared at my screen in disbelief. We had come all this way, only to be met by a cliff.
“W-Wait. Wait. Let me get this straight,” I stuttered as I worked up the courage to ask the question. “You…don’t have a leader?”
As if answering a question that hadn’t been asked yet, the three women began listing their own qualities, often deliberately louder than the other two. When they finished their positive outlook speeches, they started in on each other. Maxine condescendingly informed her sister that since she was technically brought in later, that she might as well be disqualified from the conversation. Molly retorted by questioning her older sister’s level of dedication, stating that she couldn’t just run away from these people the way she did every other person. Caroline attempted to pull rank by claiming that this was all her idea originally, commenting that without her, their group would’ve never survived the week. This only exacerbated things, as they soon began an inflammatory dialogue about the meaning of seniority versus superiority, as well as a lengthy discussion about the merits of achieved status over ascribed status.
This was a disaster. They weren’t the unified coalition of females I had known for their integrity days earlier. They were squabbling children, more interested in tearing each other apart over a silly title, than attempting to create greatness out of nothing. After a few minutes of attempting to regain their attention, I resigned myself to the loss of control, and began scheming as to how I could find out who was truly cut out for it. At the rate they were going, their clan would be dead long before they decided on leadership, and this was an integral topic for them to ponder. However, it needed to be done quickly. They couldn’t be torn over this, nor could they allow themselves to be seen as compromised in the face of their peers.
They stopped instantly, surprised my by sudden volume. I was given the floor, and I began.
“You can’t let this kill your ambitions. This position is worthless, thankless, and the most important job here. Only the person with the right mindset should do it. I would ask you to consider that.”
When I finished, I was met with the all too familiar voice of defeat, and frustration.
“That’s easy for you to say, when you don’t even have a guild anymore,” Caroline chided. “So, how is your ambition doing these days?”
I froze. You smug bitch, I thought to myself. In seconds, I realized what I had to do. It was time to make or break this group. After all, it’s what they wanted me to do, and the sun was quickly sinking into the afternoon sky. I switched channels in the TeamSpeak server, trying desperately to seek the right key to this doorway. I didn’t have to look far. The head admin of the newer members of the group was a highly-trusted woman named Gabrielle. Everyone called her “Gabi”, and more importantly, it was universally accepted that she was the guild favorite. No desire for power, and no need for recognition made her an invaluable asset to the community. She brought people in. She made friends with them. She gave them information. Gabi was an all-star, that I would’ve liked to have stolen from them. Alas, it was not to be. I told her my plan, and she accepted it without hesitation. As I dragged her into the other channel with the bickering broads, I spoke over them to make an announcement.
“Hey guys, I think Gabi has something she wants to say.”
They all paused, pricked by morbid curiosity. This was an irregular visit by her. It was all coming together. I sat back, and watched the fireworks.
“Well,” Gabi began. “I’ve thought about it a lot, and all of you are my friends. I want you to know that. The past few months have been a really awesome experience between us, and I’ve enjoyed getting to know all of you. However, with all that has gone on over the past couple of days, I’ve come to realize that I can not be an admin in this guild, and I don’t think I like who I’m becoming around you all. I thank you for the good times, and I’ll excuse myself.”
I beamed from ear-to-ear. The silence in the room told me that they had just been bomb-shelled by their most reliable person, and now had no clue what to do about it. It was the perfect setup. As Caroline’s microphone lit up in the server, I shivered with anticipation of the coming events.
“I guess…okay, Gabi. Thanks,” she conceded.
It was a tone of surrender. She buckled under the pressure, and now had nothing more to add. This was her moment of weakness, and it took its toll.
“Gabi, I’m really sorry. We just let the leader shit get really out of control,” Maxine chimed in. I had never seen her apologize before. This was interesting, and enlightening. She left her microphone on for a second, but evidently felt it didn’t need to be stated, so she released her push-to-talk key. I allowed myself another grin, as Molly was last to speak and as far as I knew, the person with the least to say. What I was met with, however, was as far from the expected result as possible. As she clicked her key, a tirade of unparalleled resolution escaped her lips.
“OH FUUUUCK YOU, GABI!!!!”
The room stood still.
“You ungrateful cunt! Oh, so mommy and daddy have an argument and that’s your cue to skip town on us, eh?! Well, guess what? You’re replaceable. EASILY. You think the others aren’t waiting to get at your spot? They are. They want everything you have, and now, I’m gonna have to give it to one of them. So thanks for nothing, and get the fuck out of here,” she finished.
I sat staggered. Gabrielle too, seemingly, as I didn’t hear another word out of her mouth. I took a deep breath, and remembered the point of this exercise turned incident.
“Well, it looks like you know who your leader is,” I asserted. “A real leader doesn’t waver, even in the face of their friends. They stay resolute, certain, and act with a purpose even when that purpose isn’t as clear as they would like it to be. Nicely done, Molly. Oh, and a big thanks to Gabrielle! I couldn’t have demonstrated this without her.”
Gabi was either still regaining her composure, infuriated with me, or both, because she left the channel and I didn’t see her again. Mission accomplished, though.
Knowing my work was more or less complete, I informed the three of them that I would be leaving a couple hours later. They had accepted that Molly would be the best for the position, and with that out of the way, they could finally focus on the important issues at hand. Rebuilding is a hell of a task. We had a chat about how many times The Sic had set up our house of cards, only to have it blown over time, and time again. I informed them that it will happen again. It’s guaranteed. They just had to be ready for it. They thanked me for all my help, regardless of how unorthodox it was, and asked me what I intended to do now. I told them I didn’t know, but it was beginning to become clear that I was gunning for a ceremonious return to my gaming clan. It was time to stop hiding from it. You can’t run forever, after all.
“Any chance you could stay and watch us launch the guild officially tonight?” Maxine asked excitedly. “I mean, you’re as much as part of this as we are, now.”
With a chuckle, I responded.
“Sorry, I can’t. I wish I could, though. I have a big date tonight, and I’m heading out to the drive-in theater later. I’ll let you know how it goes, though.”
The seven sisters bid me farewell, and wished me good luck. I would need it. I had been at this same location ten years earlier, on my first date. I couldn’t tell if it was coincidence, or fate that brought me to this place on this day, but at that point I didn’t care. It was the start of a strange, and unfamiliar era, and for the first time in forever, I felt like a different guy.
Dusk came, and the night brought the appealing prospect of a new beginning.
Run, to where the smallest ray of light will never find you
Run, to where you will not need to shield your eyes
Run, away from all the soulless, heartless fiends who hound you
Run, away and let your memories go blind, when I
Take all the pain away
I cannot stay my hand
From reaching out so that I can
For all eternity
It seems to ease my mind
To know that you’ve brought
Meaning to my life
When engaging with a conservative on a social media website, one expects to find what you would with any common debater:
- a series of easy-to-grasp talking points
- data to back up their assertions
- reliable sources of information, taken from independent parties
- a lack of logical fallacies
- ZERO shameless gimmicks that serve no purpose
Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. While, admittedly there are many wonderful examples of well-versed modern conservatives who have a true grasp on current events, and have a talent for balancing various different topics including politics, the majority of them lack any clear direction with their arguments, which usually forces them to become belligerent and resort to defensive techniques. Instead of putting in an effort to add a bit of substance to their party-obsessed aggression, they avoid the conflict from the start by outlining a disgustingly useless wall of text that denotes their political affiliations, as well as various other keywords that prove their ‘purity’ and show what they believe to be online credibility to any offenders of their cause.
While it can be argued that a few well-placed words in one’s short profile header can be useful in distinguishing an individual’s attributes and stances, the same can not be said for the plethora of semi-competent sheep who recycle the same catchphrases, one-liners, and titles for themselves as if promoting themselves as an effigy of some right-swaying hero.
That brings me to where I keep my evidence, for my claim. These people, while undoubtedly functional citizens, haven’t the slightest clue how crippling their ignorance is when it comes to debating. The wound they inflict upon themselves comes when they choose to provide a wide list of terms that all make them easy to categorize, as well as dissect before a single word from them is uttered. While this tactic makes them the simplest of targets to shred in verbal combat, they hilariously believe it serves as protection; a showcase of patriotism and godliness that gives them limitless integrity in the eyes of their peers.
To show how tragically common this is, I have taken the top fourteen out of a total of thirty-nine that I was able to find on Twitter in a matter of minutes. Note the ridiculous similarities:
Now that you’ve witnessed the absurdity, have any patterns emerged from this mess? The most obvious regurgitations are assuredly the abuse of the word “Constitution”, as well as the usage of the title “Constitutionalist”. This is primarily used as a form of pseudo-patriotism to give the impression that the person has rigorously studied the text of the United States’ Constitution, and that by placing this tag in their bio they believe it demands a higher level of respect. This is nonsense, of course. This shroud is only meant to conceal a lack of reading into the document itself, as none of them who place this phrase have taken the time to memorize such a notable work, or they would not throw its name about with such pomp and disdain.
Noting that words such as “freedom”, and “liberty” also make numerous appearances, it would be a joke to state that they also take these words seriously, considering that the majority of the users who paste these patriotic words in with their name ironically belong to a party that constantly seeks to limit the freedom and liberty of women, minorities, and a multitude of other interest groups. While I’ve covered this issue many times in the past, I would like to reiterate that the right is a wing dedicated to the constant abuse of religious principles, creating a moral shield that allows them to believe that their actions are justified, when in reality they may be truly unethical and discriminatory.
Lastly, and possibly most humorous is the prospect of party-affiliation they have chosen to shift to in this brave new age of voting we’ve entered into. If you’ll take a quick glance back at the list, you may discover that all of them seem to hail from some offshoot of “Constitutional Conservatism”, or “Libertarianism”. Amusingly, many of these have also somehow come to identify themselves as “independent”, which is already neutralized by the idea of swerving to the far right in the first place. Forgive that statement for sounding too forward, but it is not a stretch to imagine by some of the quotes above that these people are far into the red to the point of no return.
Now, the question that no one has asked yet stabs at the loyalty of these people, to their respected parties. For such right-leaning individuals to suddenly pull themselves gently towards the center by bestowing the title of “Libertarian” to themselves, they absolutely don’t seem that inclined to follow that structure. In actuality, it would seem that the Libertarian party that has recently gained a significant boost in popularity due to the mild success of Congressmen Ron Paul, and Governor Gary Johnson, has created a new “safe-zone” for Conservatives who wish to evade the negative light their archaic party has brought upon them as of late.
While you can see a myriad of different terms and names plastered above, denoting all kinds of wonderful and noble causes these people are dedicated to, not ONE of them chooses to be affiliated with the Republican party that more accurately suits their demographic. Curiously, even the most radical of these neo-conservatives chooses to place their flag at the feet of the TEA party, rather than be seen with the Republicans, undoubtedly because of the horrific reputation they’ve earned as of the past decade.
Why does this crowd feel that they must shield themselves behind a wall of pseudo-nationalistic, incessantly repeated, vaguely-distinguished flags? This is not the way for them to prove they can talk politics. This isn’t even the right way for them to choose their party affiliation. This is one more gimmick for the right-wing to hide behind, simply because they refuse to detach themselves from the misguided ethics that they cherish.
How long until they stop being “Constitutionalists”, and start paying attention to what’s actually in the Constitution?
Today, I have come to share with all of you the secrets of something I have long since mastered. The art of trolling is an incredibly refined craft in which one must have patience, discipline, and the resolve to destroy any and all enemies. For years I have taken to various online games, chat services, social networking sites, and forum threads in order to do one thing:
correct any and all necessary errors that people have made, point out logical fallacies, and utterly disintegrate the value of an individual. I suppose that makes me a
fucking disgusting delightful person, but it’s wonderful fun. It’s also only fun if you target those who have already done it to others first. Those who have humiliated, abused, or thrown out personal attacks to others void themselves of the right to respect, and can be trolled at will. But, enough about “why”. I’m here today to clarify the “who” on this topic.
In any open forum, there can be only three types of trolls. While many traits of any one troll can fit well into more than one category, a few distinctive features regarding their persona, vocabulary, and methodology distinguish them from one another. We’ll begin with the most obvious:
“The Lennie”: The reason I’ve titled this troll category as such is simple. Every single trait they possess is derived from John Steinbeck’s famous character “Lennie Small”, of his literary classic Of Mice and Men. These trolls are known for their idiocy, and extreme strength through little effort. Without hardly knowing their abilities, they unleash the wrath of entire servers, and forum members alike. Within their arsenal lies a mixture of overtly nonsensical statements, ranging from oxymorons, easily-disprovable assertions, and anti-intellectual phrases designed merely to catch unsuspecting bystanders off-guard. Their blatantly unintelligent nature, while justly believable, is usually a facade crafted to trick those who are quick to snap at public imbeciles. The mockery at their expense is what they crave, and in order to maintain their grasp on the world’s attention they follow each stab at their uneducated demeanor with further one-liners, purposefully aimed at drawing the target further into their clutches. Throwing out fundamental typography lessons, as well as any form of etiquette that comes with informed debate, they strike; the results, a painful to dissect block of run-on sentences and fragments, carefully arranged to captivate their audience into a state of utter disbelief and amusement at this village idiot before them.
Some of their lines include such overused, and easy to detect catchphrases such as, but not limited to:
1) “Why do they call it an Xbox 360? Coz you turn 360 degrees and walk away”
2) “I h8 legend of zelda cuz zelda is a stupid boy name”
3) “(insert game here) sucks!!! COD is way better!!!!!!”
4) “you mad bro”
5) “nerd rage”
6) “get @ me”
While a “Lennie” undoubtedly seems like the quickest go-to archetype for your average troll, it couldn’t hurt to remember one thing:
Some people are just hilariously stupid.
Our second example is not only the most hated troll, they’re also the only one that I believe deserves the contempt they receive:
“The Derailer”: Appropriately titled after the device named for turning trains on their side in a wave of destruction, these trolls are all about the shock value of what they say. Anything, and everything can be used against their victims. Nothing is sacred, and all is fair so long as it achieves the desired effect: RAGE. They are well-known for their consistent use of profanity, and when the occasion calls for it, racist, sexist, and ageist remarks. While these may be an easily distinguishable aspect, one must also determine the level of insensitivity to their comments. A Derailer isn’t bound by the moral inhibitions that keep most people in PG-13 mode wherever they visit. They take any topic, regardless of how recent, or how tragic the occurrence was, and turn it into sadistic humor or a personal attack. This is commonly met with a reaction of absolutely inconsolable, incoherent malice, or bewilderment. The Derailer is incredibly effective, and usually the most difficult to contain troll because of their innate ability to turn an entire community into a riot. Certain remarks have been known to throw certain cliques, or groups into disarray; the reason being is that varying tolerance levels within groups cause a sort of schism to form between those who are entertained by the troll, and those who abhor them.
Many a time I’ve
instigated witnessed a conflict within a game, or on a YouTube comment section arise merely out of a single line that was both cruel, and oblivious to the fragile sensibilities of those who were watching. The result was a battleground, where well-articulated debaters turned on one another in a bloodbath of profanity-laden, racially-charged aggression formed effortlessly out of the insecurities of individuals who thought no one would ever tread where eagles dare. Their restraints lifted, these once-peaceful users viciously tore each other apart due to the clever, and devious manipulation of a Derailer. In a territory where anonymity is your most powerful ally, they prey on the hypersensitive, superstitious, and ignorant as they prove every day who should, and should not be socially involved on the internet.
Lastly, I have saved our final troll for the conclusion, as they don’t truly belong in this world. Their tactics, while some may believe to be inconsiderate, are also their greatest weapon:
“The Intellectual”: Unfortunately, this lovely group of bright human beings have made their way onto the list for one reason. No one likes a smart-ass. In the digital realm where whoever speaks the loudest wins, the person who wields the most cunning wit becomes a beacon. Ironically, that beacon is that of the gigantic red bulls-eye on their forehead, and these people are usually targeted as outsiders in the same way antibiotics hone in on a virus. The intellectual, in an effort to genuinely make a point, or correct the errors of others, is immediately ostracized by the community. Preemptively labeled as a villain, the intellectual is harassed before their stances are even heard, creating a frustrating wall between facts, and the argument they’re trying to improve. Countless times I’ve been on various social networking sites, games, or even amongst friends, when someone states something that others nod their head at, (usually out of a lack of concern) and a clever soul has stepped forth to provide contradicting evidence to their claim. This unfailingly triggers a defense mechanism in the first speaker, causing them to react with profound hostility towards the other person. They then begin to rant about being attacked, and why they believe the intellectual to be an aggressor. What they never seem to understand, is that this “troll” simply did not want their point to go unchallenged, especially if what they said could be proven to be false. Defeated, and desperate the first speaker lashes out repeatedly at the intellectual, attempting to discredit them through an assortment of fallacies and defamatory statements.
The intellectual, left with one of two options, must now choose how to end the debate;
they can either…
A) switch position to a Derailer, in which they condescend and ridicule the person in a ruthless fashion until they concede defeat by way of rage-quit, block/ignore, or public opinion swaying their direction,
or B) take the high-road by recognizing a lost cause, ending with a ‘final word’ statement and withdrawing from the forum, hoping the person will come to see the error(s) of their previous claim in time.
<There is also an option “C”, which would be fluidly carrying on the debate in a one-sided, Socratic fashion until the other party eventually turns neutral or gives into reason. This, however, is so rare I’ve only ever seen it accomplished by a handful of individuals, such as the notable user “Godless Spellchecker“, on Twitter. Most people don’t have the patience for this outcome>
With all of this new information, I sincerely hope you will be well-armed for your next encounter with a troll of the world wide web. They come in many shapes, and perform in various manners, so you should be wary of their tricks. However, if your better judgment tells you that you’re not dealing with a troll, but an intellectual, it’s probably best to make friends with them, for your sake.
It never ceases to amaze me, the rhetoric that comes out of neo-conservative circles.
Without a doubt they pump out some of the most terrifying drivel ever to disgrace the Earth. That’s why I’ve decided it’s only right that they be ridiculed publicly. If you have ever wondered where the greatest congregation of sheep, zombies, and lifeless husks go to talk politics and news, you can either go to a FOX news webpage, or Yahoo. Both of these sites, offer some of the most anti-intellectual, backwards theories known to man, that will shock and amaze you at the lack of progress in our society to educate and instruct.
Complete disregard for pedigree information, absolute carelessness to adhere to basic rules of logical debate, and a paradigm designed to empower the least educated people on the planet by teaching them to shut their eyes and ears, in favor of volume, and repetition. If Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Sarah Palin wanted to craft an army of hardly-functioning humans that receive a single lie and attach to it like leeches, they succeeded.
Unfortunately, I do have mail at Yahoo, and occasionally I go to this blatantly right-leaning website to check on news simply out of convenience. Regardless of how far right some of their stories seem, it’s never enough for the group of right-wing extremists who comb the comments section. Their initial reactions to a story they undoubtedly had difficulties reading in the first place, are overtly hostile personal attacks that combine nonsensical remarks with petty, uninventive stabs to try and formulate some snide rebuttal. Therefore, I feel no remorse in disclosing some of these winners to you, now.
This should be the first in an ongoing series of awesome posts dedicated to pointing out morons on popular websites, who say things that deserve to be exposed.
Let’s start out with the news:
The headline reads “Marine survey lists concerns on women in combat“. It’s a simple enough title that denotes that surveys were taken by armed-forces personnel, that produced results that were unfavorable to the groups that want equal treatment for the women now capable of joining combat roles on the front lines. It would appear from the results that many soldiers are not coping well with the changes, citing groundless claims that women can’t keep up with men when their lives are on the line. It’s arguably the same inaccurate, shameless tactic used to keep black males from joining combat roles prior to World War II. However, my point isn’t to focus on the story itself. If you’d like to read it, the link is below.
What I’ve come to do is take stabs at the morons who deserve it, so that’s what we’re gonna do! Up first, we’ve got this winner:
Notice, the first person speaking is me. Yes, I grow weary of reading these comments, so I took the time to add my own bit of wood to the pyre. As you can tell, it’s burning quite brightly now. They didn’t like my comment, evidently because I hit too close to home. It’s fairly easy to guess their argument, which is why I threw that plethora of ridiculous words together in order to create that monstrosity. It’s everything I’ve ever heard out of the whiny-right, and it would seem I struck a nerve. You can only push the neo-cons so far before they resort to idle threats. I’ve done just this. Forget the irony of this person’s username containing the word “intellectual”. He’s just like the rest of them; Angry, filled to the brim with hate for “lib’ruls”, and out for blood in the name of Saint Reagan.
This winner caught my eye first. Like I previously stated, he is stuck in a void of thinking that was supposed to die before the turn of the century. I can’t imagine why people wouldn’t take this guy seriously, with his immaculate knowledge of the female anatomy. Clearly we’re dealing with an OBGYN of unparalleled integrity. With quotes like “prissybutts”, who could deny that he knows what is best for our country? This mastermind of military strategy deserves an award, because he has not only managed to give us a clearly unbiased view of females in combat, but has provided us with a new catchphrase to use.
This next one is a double post, because only the coolest of the Yahoo! users can make this smooth transition from one post to the next. Right from the start, you can tell this guy is as qualified as the last to speak on the physical capabilities of women. He even cites his sources brilliantly, stating that the reason women can’t be placed on the front lines is ‘because they are inferior’. Checkmate, liberals. Then, he decides to abandon all better judgment in order to play the part of the whistle-blower. He informs us that the reason this is taking place, is because Obama is purposefully moving our armed forces towards extinction. That’s right. Only a psychological guru could understand the finer aspects of this internal revolution. It’s genius. Of course Barack Obama, the Commander-In-Chief is just trying to bring in women and gay people in order to make us softer! That way, when the Chinese invade us, they can just throw small spiders our direction, and our army will run away! Oh, that sneaky commie President and his secret agenda…
Back to our old friend, the ‘Sexual Intellectual’. This time, he is combining his data with that of ‘Maineloon’ in order to ensure that his hypothesis was correct. Of course, with infallible logic like his, who could even think of discrediting his theories? As you can tell, the sound logic that Russia and China are planning a coup d’état in order to take over the United States. Frankly, I’m surprised he is using Russia’s white-washed name, and not their underground, Illuminati codename: “The New World Order of Super-Awesome Communist Soviet Union Fascist Socialists Who Hate Freedom“. You know, because we’re still in the cold war, and the United Nations is just a cover-up organization to make us all get along for the sake of communist slavery.
…And to conclude our first round of hilarity:
Finally, we come to the truth behind the veil. The gub’ment has been working to ensure women can join combat, simply because their feeble minds are easier to control! I knew it all along! OF COURSE, the only way that they would be able to take full authoritarian control of our undeniably intelligent population, (http://img195.imageshack.us/img195/500/idiotho.jpg) is by placing those damn, easily manipulated women out in the open. At that point, all Obama would have to say is, “Please can we put you under martial law, and enslave you with our tyrannical government until you die”? They’re so weak, they would just throw down their guns right there, and go back to the kitchens and book clubs. That’s of course, going to happen anyways. The psychic medium ‘Dothemath’ has foretold of a looming gun ban, in which all firearms will be removed from the population of the United States. We should heed this warning now, lest we be torn asunder by the armies of darkness that President Blackenstein has brought to destroy the republic.
We could get a fuckin’ grip. It should be painfully evident now that the group who is opposed to women in combat, (or doing anything for that matter) is a swarm of illiterate, alpha-male, narcissistic, homophobic sycophants of the republican party who simply want the right to deny minorities, gay people, and women any rights they deem necessary when they think it threatens their identity. Of course, being stuck in a bible-belt mindset will create a generation of socially-inept neanderthals who honestly have convinced themselves that women are easy to brainwash, and that people contract homosexuality through being around gay people. Besides being a disgusting straw-man that won’t go away, it has led some of the more intellectually-challenged members of our society to treat right-wing extremism as a secondary religion. It’s a malicious faith, designed simply to create a purist society of arthritic, Caucasian males who pine for the days where they could hose down black people who stood up for themselves, or the days when you could smack a woman across the face for not having dinner ready on-time.
Hope you enjoyed this, and I hope this is the start of a glorious new series. If, however, you don’t believe the shit you’re reading now, I suggest you head over to Yahoo! Scroll down the comments, and see if I’m wrong. It’s the perfect right-wing news site that somehow even the right-wingers have found a way to paint as a ‘leftist’ community. Nothing has been altered or edited, and that should confuse and terrify you to a degree you can’t imagine.
In the realm of the Blogosphere, there are an immeasurable amount of ideas floating around. At one point in recent history, bloggers could actually be taken seriously, and respected. The opinions and informative news posted on the blogs of the past have decayed into various chains of social circles and exclusivity, where if you check one place you’ll find what appears to be a well-versed article regarding a certain topic. However, upon the inspection of another blog discussing the same tagline, you’ll find a slew of polar opposite “facts” that they claim they’ve taken the time to research. While I understand that many topics containing words such as ‘best’, ‘worst’, or ‘smartest’, are unfailingly opinion pieces, and therefore are completely subjective; this doesn’t mean that people are entitled to conjure their own series of facts.
When even pedigree information is cast to the winds, then there is no such thing as the successful passage of information. There should be no discrepancy in replicating and reviewing easily verifiable information. Ironically, despite how often I think this, there remains a million examples of how people manage to turn a simple Q&A into an Ontological debate. Everything from “can marijuana kill?”, to “how old is the Earth?”, is contested on the web, and in the Blogosphere it would seem this is no different. It isn’t that simple, though. This misinformation manages to not just wind up on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Tumblr, Blogspot, or even WordPress pages, but now a plethora of news media outlets have decided to take up the call of freelance bloggers in order to pump out more information, more frequently. This inadvertently has led to the establishment of many pages that are devoid of not just basic knowledge, but sponsored articles that neglect even the most fundamental rules of writing, and editing. Numerous times, I’ve found typographical errors, and grammatical massacres that make me question the credibility of the author, let alone the newsgroup they were hired by. Even on a more mainstream scale, in an effort to get the information out first, various news agencies (most notably Fox News) destroyed their front page headlines with the line “Usama Bin Landen Dead Fox News Confrims” [sic]. With such neglect for even the simplest forms of editorial discretion, the big name players are reduced to the integrity level of the common YouTube video commenter.
Nothing quite compares however, to the fact that blogging as a whole has been slowly corroding itself from the carelessness of its users. The result is a large cesspool of relatively pointless, and counter-productive diary entries, designed simply to facilitate the immediate boredom of the user by informing others of their daily routines and chores. This has inherently bred a swarm of social-media obsessed attention-leeches, whose entire day revolve around the necessity of divulging excessive amounts of bland detail regarding their lives, including some of the more vulgar, or inappropriate events. With Facebook alone as our source in the spotlight, you’re punished by the walls of your friends and extended family, as they prove that the hidden truth behind sites such as this one, is to propagate an existence through the mundanities of everyday life, and the seemingly obligatory acceptance of one’s social acquaintances. Though no real information passes through this site, it is a transitional hub for the exchange of humorous material, political advertising, event scheduling, and entertainment reviews. Featuring a ‘like’ function that has lost its meaning, the approval of others has turned merely into a Julius Caesar-esque voting system of what will and will not be tolerated. Tragically enough, more critical opinions, featuring large bodies of text and sources to corroborate receive little attention, as they tend to not only confuse, but make many individuals feel insecure about their own intellectual contributions to such discussions. This leads to the stagnation of new ideas, as an endless flood of people recycle the same loathing for debates that they always do, including the “STFU” standby retort, or a series of semi-conscious neutral statements asking why people can’t get along, and how they “just don’t understand how people could be so stupid.”
This exercise, as baffling as it is disappointing, is the world of misinformation that we live in. When any dolt on the net can transmit a series of falsified, dreadfully-worded paragraphs intended to convey to an audience how “fukin gay dat one movie iz”, then the tool is clearly not being used for what its intentions were. Granted, I understand that sounds a bit insensitive to the free speech rights of people, however it does no good to simply accept it for what it is. Some people, however cruel it sounds, are not suited for the task of providing other people with useful information. Their opinions, while still valid, are only comparative to those of an infant, and should be treated as such. Many of their remarks, as people have come to recognize, are not only obscene, but incredibly hostile as well.
I may not be a fan of many celebrities or athletes, but I still respect them as people. Multitudes of vicious people have joined the social-media haven Twitter for a chance at taking stabs at celebrities they don’t particularly care for. From over-the-top critiques, to personal attacks, all the way up to death threats, many famous individuals have been astounded to see the aggression and callousness of the flocks of people participating in micro-blogging. While I support their right to voice opinions, I don’t support their desire to turn all posts into moral atrocities of grammar-deficient toddlers. What they do is not productive, nor is it a form of expression. All they’ve done, is choose to contribute to discussions with an array of disconnected thoughts, all designed to bring malice into the subject so that people forget the issues, and coerce others into forming responses defensively. Once that event takes places, blogging is finished. What remains is a belligerent chat-room, with a roving topic that only makes a guest appearance amidst a storm of profanities and condescension.
If this is what blogging has been reduced to, then what good does it possibly do to post reliable information, in an effort to become the counterweight to such blind, senseless, record-keeping? How can we be seen as ANYTHING, but a text-based, title-bearing, fact-distorting, timing-consumed reality TV show, designed to vacuum in ‘hits’, rather than challenge readers to design new latitudes on their creative map?
My prospects have become less promising
I find it hard to believe in anything
Seems I lost my world and so I lost my faith
And I can’t go back to where I’ve been
A brand new day
It can’t get worse
Hear myself say
It can’t get worse
I have no lies or truth in what I say
There is no meaning
The words are numb and I am so afraid
There is no meaning
This is another chance or so I’m told
By those who can push themselves at any cost
They bless me with their fingers crossed
My youth is stolen, transformed and sold
Congratulations, Mr. President on winning re-election! You should not only be proud of your supporters for their vast amounts of help, but be proud of the changes you’ve made during your career that have led to once again, another history-making win.
WITH THAT BEING SAID…
1) You have to stop this quiet, centrist bullshit. Either cast your absolute support for an alternative to the current list of finite fuel sources we have now, or shove hard so that we’re competing in fuel independence. Either way, you must come to terms with the inevitability of our loss of fossil fuels. Don’t look four years ahead. Look forty.
2) Do something about immigration, and be loud. We’re not asking for you to “promise” some results. We’re asking for a concrete plan, or adopt the DREAM act. We’re not giving you a choice anymore. We gave you a second chance to make yourself a legend. It’s time to prove you’re going to help minorities who want to live the dream.
3) That obscene defense budget: Fix it. Put it into paying off debt, and ensure that we’re still eight years technologically superior to the competition. As long as we’re right where we should be, (which we are, currently) no one can bitch.
4) Congress is a roadblock. You’re going to have to accept it, and go around them as often as possible. They are not going to help you out of spite, and this can only be titled as what it is:
POLITICAL SABOTAGE. It may seem like you’re dodging a necessary system, but unfortunately this is how you’ll accomplish the most. Accept this.
5) Close Guantanamo. Stop evading it. Find a spot to place these prisoners on our soil, regardless of who likes it. This place needs to go, and you promised. Don’t disappoint us again.
6) Set the strict boundary of the separation of church and state. People are forgetting it, and it needs to be a thick, red line.
7) Legalize marijuana, and tax the hell out of it. It may not be a significant dent in the debt, but it’s something. They want it? They should pay the price for it.
8) Reevaluate the NDAA. Regardless of when you’re going to “allow” it to go into effect, we don’t want it. It’s a step in the wrong direction.
9) Take a look backwards to create more jobs. FDR’s “New Deal” was ingenious, and it did everything for this country that it needed to. You need your own, and you should reinvest into the restructuring of our country through a similar program, as well as contributing to producing many goods domestically again. It couldn’t hurt to create a program dedicated to national parks, either.
10) You need to get the word out regarding abortion. Either it’s significantly more helpful than people first concluded, and will advance research decades ahead of other nations. Or, you don’t wish to go that route, and will be opposed to it. We’re confused on which side of 1970 you’re behind.
11) GIVE US BACK OUR FUCKING SPACE BUDGET. Do not fail us again.
With these steps, you can ensure that you’ll be fondly remembered as a great president. These points aren’t particularly well-articulated, nor are they the ONLY things you should do. Only you know what all you should focus on, and I guess we’ll have to leave you to it. However, you should know that people worked ridiculously hard to grant you a second chance at pleasing everyone you can. You don’t want to be remembered as the president who let half of the major issues slip right past you. If you do, we will not be so tolerant!
Good day, children.
This week, a long and highly anticipated event will take place. Our presidential election in the United States has become a nightmare; a barrage of negative TV ads, wasting not only the time of the people of the states, but their money as well. Generous donations flowed in to fund what most people believed to be a worthwhile cause. Millions of phone calls were placed; pleas for votes, and empty promises were uttered as many devout supporters rallied their troops and tallied wins and losses. This well-oiled machine needs no introduction to the society we live in. We’re all explicitly familiar with the method campaigns take to obtain victory. A slew of pseudo-patriotic, vaguely heartwarming phrases were recycled and coined, all in an effort to try and make headlines, or make bumper stickers. Safe-words were viciously repeated to large audiences, all in a desperate ploy to “relate to the middle class”.
This vain exercise proved to have little impact in our politically desensitized nation; being forced to endure fake smiles while hearing “fix the economy”, “make more jobs”, “grassroots campaign”, “support our troops”, “best nation in the world”, and “God bless America”, is a recipe to cause any free-thinking individual to cringe on command. Yes, there will be people out there who label me as a cynical anti-American, which I guess is ironic considering that would be their recycled catchphrase for people they don’t agree with. If you are actually moved to tears by these tasteless one-liners by modern political figures, then there’s a good chance you’re a gullible voter who refuses to think for yourself.
Unfortunately, regardless of what people tell you; your vote DOES NOT count in a significant manner. There will also be vast opposition to that statement, as people flush out the same “it’s your civic duty”, “you can’t complain if you don’t vote”, and “how dare you tell people that” quotes that I’m so weary of reading. If we were to compare “American Idol”, to the American electoral system, you would potentially possess more freedom, and have more of a weighted vote when choosing a fairly decent pop singer, than you would if you were to attempt to elect the “leader of the free world”. You choose which president looks prettier in a picture and on paper. You do not hand them the keys to the city. The electoral college does that, and they’re already bought and paid for according to state demographics that, if you live in most states, won’t budge. You can feel good that you chose to vote and it IS a patriotic gesture, but in the end it’s fairly out of your hands. This is especially true if you’re a voter who tends to look at the real candidates who are caught outside of the limelight of mainstream politics. If you vote for a candidate outside the GOP or DNC, you might as well be asking to be ignored. You’ll also be widely regarded as an “independent voter”, which somehow translates to “I don’t know who I want to vote for. Please bombard me with propaganda so I can choose one of two people I probably won’t care for”. This is an idea that must stop, if our democracy is to survive.
Now, I would normally not be inclined to pick a side on the election. Usually I would be of the neutral mindset that “both campaigns are nothing but fundamentally different perspectives, and should be respected as such”. Unfortunately, I can’t do that this time. I could, and hold on to a sense of neutrality that is more than likely healthy; however, I would be kidding myself. We live in the 21st century; a time that when viewed in reverse from the past is depicted as a flourishing Utopia of technology and life, where people could put aside their differences and advance towards a better tomorrow. This vision did not come true, and our political system is a disgusting rivalry between the party of Eco-conscious, socially acceptable moderates (they aren’t liberal. Regardless of how often it gets repeated, these people haven’t seen a real liberal in 30 years), and an archaic party of folklore-obsessed plutocrats, all of whom pine away for seats in a broken congress, or executive office. To call this an updated approach to politics would be a cruel joke.
The Democrats, who I would say haven’t really had a hero since Kennedy, are practically voiceless. Because they choose a softer method to their political messages, they are incessantly beaten down by the Republican party, who throughout the late 90’s managed to successfully turn the term “liberal” into a profane word. They are now repeating the process by grasping at the president, who despite constant reports that he is “turning this country into a godless, socialist society that lives for wealth redistribution”, has done nothing even close to this. Amongst these ludicrous stories, are the ones that make the before mentioned tale look almost sane, such as the infamous “Barack Obama is a Kenyan who illegally obtained the presidency”, as well as the story of “Obama is a Muslim”. These are false tales designed to coerce the most incompetent voters into fear-induced ballot-casting. People left behind by the information age reside in this pocket of the conservative party; safely hidden from facts behind a curtain of pre-cold war rhetoric. I can’t entirely blame them. This is the party of liberty they know of old, and if they haven’t failed them yet, why would they decide to sway their decision now? Tragically, the target audience of the GOP has become those retiring. More so, they have worked tirelessly to ensure that they possess the vast majority of geriatric Caucasian voters. If you think this to be untrue, then the statistics are at your disposal to review.
While I agree that it is not appropriate to judge Mitt Romney as a party member as it is to judge him as a qualified candidate, you cannot divorce him from the party he belongs to. To do so, is to completely ignore some of the ridiculous axioms that the GOP lives by. While I normally would never suggest that one party is superior to the other, I can’t say that without violating all moral inclinations. I would have to be absolutely out of my mind to suggest that a party, that is so torn over the subject of abortion as if it were “only okay sometimes”, and at the same time “completely immoral 100% of the time”, could be reasonable. Amongst the various nations that have accepted evolution as credible, the United States is listed as 32nd on the list. I would point out some of the countries on that list, but quite a few are far below our country’s standard of living, and it would only infuriate conservatives further. The problem with this, is that an uneducated population is easier to control, and more devoutly believes in their “fearless leader” without question. Therein, the link between religion and politicians has to be one and the same, lest the party of “believers” becomes angry and begins a campaign of malice towards someone whom they deem foreign, and inevitably, “the enemy”.
The hypocrisy of this party is also painfully evident in their economic tendencies. The conservative party was recently most famous for Ronald Reagan’s famous “trickle-down” economic policy; a system implemented in the 80’s to combat a recession. The idea was to allow wealthy individuals tax-breaks, as an incentive to invest more of their money into the economy. Unfortunately, despite enthusiasm it was an utter failure. We learned the hard way that millionaires who can afford to take their money anywhere, don’t just invest anywhere. Their money made it into Swiss accounts, and into the places that most people would consider “prime spring-break vacation spots”, which ironically weren’t domestically located. Because of blind adoration for Saint Reagan, the losses incurred by Reaganomics went largely unnoticed. Trickle-down as an idea disappeared for awhile…or so we thought. However he handled his politics though, Reagan was, and is (for some reason) still loved by many conservatives today. Most of those are misguided, awkwardly inaccurate tales of a man who was an aloof, devout old fellow, who merely wished to help everyone in the country, while at the same time never bow down to our “enemies” by compromise.
What people don’t realize, is that Reagan was none of these things. From the words of his own personally hired biographer, Ron was a secular president, who was portrayed accurately on Saturday Night Live when he was shown as cheery when in the room with others, and while alone an edgy, stern critical thinker, lost in thought that often tormented and depressed him. Reagan also never took the time to care about AIDS in the country, until it struck him as a personal tragedy. When Rock Hudson, the famous actor and close personal friend of Ron died in 1985 due to an AIDS-related illness, Reagan realized all too late what little he had done for those who suffered with it. Much of his thinking regarding this issue changed with Hudson’s demise. Reagan began to consider the difficult lives of the LGBT community, which is a topic that the GOP would never relate to, because their religious tenets play an active role in suppressing the rights and liberties of those people. Does the GOP honestly think Ronald Reagan would be on the band-wagon with them, given the circumstances?
Even on issues of war that conservatives hold in high regard, Reagan held none of their beliefs. As much as I love Kennedy, not even HE considered total nuclear disarmament. Between Reagan and Gorbachev, they nearly accomplished just that. However, due to a roadblock from congress, this was never to pass. Does that sound like a Republican idea? Most importantly, was Reagan’s flip-flop on foreign policy views with the Soviet Union. Had Gorbachev and Reagan not become friends, there might still be a conflict today plaguing the world, if not worse. Reagan’s compromise for peace the with Soviet Union came without bloodshed, and without a single bomb dropped over the USSR. This type of thinking is NOT reflected by modern day Republicans, who believe any and all problems can be solved overseas with an armed forces invasion, and multitudes of large artillery.
I find it hard to believe that Ronald Reagan would’ve ever become a candidate for the party that hates the “Hollywood Media Elite”, given that he was a career long actor turned politician. Do you?
Although I was hesitant to bring this up, I feel it only necessary to point out the obvious. The Republican party, who does not wish to admit to possessing a blind spot to race and ethnicity, should do just that. A news story released in 2008 regarding the election of Barack Obama asked the question “Are you ready for a black president”? The majority of these individuals, answered “no”. Of course, the station treated this with the utmost neutrality. WHY!? This question, which was outwardly charged to deliver this kind of response, proved that people have a difficult time moving past ethnicity. To state “Oh no, I’m just not ready for a Black man in the White House”, is quite possibly one of the worst cover-ups for blatant racism imaginable. Do I have to point out to people why this doesn’t make sense? I already know I’m going to hear from others that the “media is trying to inflame racial prejudices”, as well as “more black people are racist than white”, but these idiotic statements exist as a straw-man argument, allowing a consistent topic that people attempt to avoid. To evade the issue, is to become part of the problem, and the problem is more than the economy. The problem, is when people are willing to shroud social issues with economic ones. It’s the reason people are willing to call the president a “Kenyan, anti-American Muslim who illegally holds his office, got into Harvard because of affirmative action, and is a socialist”, even though he took his own fucking healthcare plan from THE GUY HE IS RUNNING AGAINST! The issue of racism lives on, regardless of who is willing to admit it. Brushing it aside doesn’t change the reconstruction era, where this exact same thing happened. See the “liberal media link” below if you actually want to learn something.
Lastly, I understand fully that women care about the economy, and jobs. That is not an excuse though, to throw the same women under a steamroller on issues that pertain to them. Somehow, this idea has plagued us lately that wanting to give women the right to decide their own path in matters of women’s healthcare is a “guise to divide the nation”. How? Does someone have an actual argument for this, or is this just one more control that the right is afraid to lose? I know nothing about women’s healthcare besides what my girlfriend tells me, and as I guy I don’t believe I’m anywhere near qualified to decide what women can, and cannot do. I would expect the same of females regarding male healthcare, and I would expect they wouldn’t protest much against it. How is this an issue? How is this still up for debate? Do people honestly think that getting women involved in their own medical field is some sort of conspiracy to throw a veil over the economy? Do people actually think women’s health CAN hide the current state of the economy?
Today is November the 5th. A day for all lovers of freedom and rebellion to rejoice, as we recall the infamous “terrorist” Guy Fawkes. His mission to blow up parliament became popular in recent history with the movie “V For Vendetta”, a brilliant look at what happens when an Ultra-Conservative party takes over, using religion and pseudo-morals to control the mass populace into a fear-induced delirium. It’s also a personal holiday for my gaming legion and I, as we celebrate what it means to be outcasts in our own community. Much like the president, our ideas are not widely accepted. Our views, are “foreign”, and “dangerous”. Many people have been too fearful of social persecution to join our ranks, and because we don’t keep quiet the public is rallied against us.
You can not keep quiet, in an election this big. Whether it’s spreading the word in text, or teaching others dearest to you, idealistic volume matters. Intellectual discussions, and debates matter. Free-thinking is something that a political party inhibits you from doing, because there’s no room for thinking when you have to get in line with red or blue. Think for yourself. This is not the better of two evils. This is the difference between returning to the comfortable past of black and white, and the terrifying world of stepping forward, and showing that grey exists between.
I don’t know how this election will end, but I can say that I at least attempted to make myself heard despite overwhelming opposition. The last thing you want to do is approach election day with an understanding like these people:
The fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I know of no reason
Why the gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.
Happy November the fifth, everyone.