Forsake Not The Dream
This new year has done two things for me so far, that I am grateful. First off, it has presented me with new opportunities for my gaming community to flourish, which is an imminent event swiftly approaching. I’ve waited for over a year for people to begin motivating themselves to get involved with the group again, as for the longest time it seemed that as excuses piled up, so did the lack of care from people who I originally thought showed more interest in our cause then I had previously recognized. This disheartened me to a degree you can’t imagine, as it wasn’t just a matter of deteriorating loyalty, but the prime catalyst for the systematic disintegration of our gaming legion. As you can imagine, I’m naturally excited for a brand new start this year. The idea alone that our group has a new mass of possible fresh recruits, as well as the chance to show off our PvP capabilities in a game that promotes teamwork as well as leadership, makes me cry tears of joy at a new moment where I can jump back into the fray. It’s all illuminated once again.
The second of which, is the overwhelming joy I feel at the hands of my much more visually pleasing counterpart. More often than not, I find myself displeased with my image in comparison with hers, perhaps out of some lingering inferiority complex left over from the Jake who died during high school. That Jake had a ridiculously notorious fear of interacting with the opposite sex, because of a continuous habit of being a peer to overly condescending feminists who constantly felt the need to express their distinctly unsatisfied attitude towards him. Luckily for all of us, that Jake met an untimely end at the hands of me. One day, I was forced to strangle that Jake to death out of a fear that one day being trampled by an unnecessarily strong sense of self-loathing, as well as an ancient monster brought forth by low self-esteem. This creature, was a worthless wretch who could only place himself on the lowest rung of any ladder leading up to the adoration of vain statues who he thought were beautiful. That Jake, who is now safely buried deep below, never took the time to realize that the only reason he felt that he was being discarded by everyone, is because he incessantly ignored the notion to look for someone real. He spent his entire adolescence staring at mannequins, and it eventually led to his untimely demise.
Enough grim reminders of my past. Let’s continue with positive things! She WANTS to take care of me. I’m not stating this for the horrible picture that it sounds like, with me being an invalid at the hands of someone more caring. No, she actually puts forth an effort to make sure every single day that I’m not even remotely discontent in any shape or form. If I am, she takes it upon herself as having a bad day, and like an anti-virus software program swiftly seeks to kill the intruder ruining our fun. It would not be inaccurate to say that she looks out for my immediate and long-term interest more than any other person I’ve had relations of the sort with. With such constant affection being flaunted for me at my every whim, I can only lead to question my own capabilities and ask myself the all important final question of, “Am I fully capable of providing for this person no matter what”?
It’s a painfully relevant question to place at my feet. Perhaps I’ve finally come face-to-face with that which I’ve desired the most and what I have to show for it is nothing except pretty morals, and a full spectrum of idealistic notions that equal up to all of nothing. What can I possibly give to her that she couldn’t go out and obtain for herself, with half the trouble? She’s more than capable of being self-sufficient and has proved this to her peers and family time, and time again. She’s a well-oiled thinking machine that has continuously pursued exactly what it is that she wanted, without compromising her integrity to do so. The same can not be said for me. I’ve sold myself like a cheap whore to dozens of people in an attempt to make myself for likable, or cooperative to an individual or team that was looking for a specific person in a business or academic community. Most of these were done much to my dismay, as the human race as a whole has come to prove to me that they’re avaricious little snakes with a moral compass so fucked they couldn’t find their way home from the driveway. I catered to the will of many of these morons in the vain hope that I’d be considered positively as a candidate for their favor. All it got me was repeatedly called upon so that they may vent their frustration to someone who was unwilling to defend themself, and a much more hostile attitude towards those who’d consider themselves part of an authoritarian position.
The point I’m trying to get across is, without a doubt my lady friend has had her spine a lot longer, and with much more steadfast certainty than I have. I have little to offer now, but I’m going to have to earn fast. I can’t back down in the face of opposition merely because of phrases such as “unqualified”, “lacks credentials”, and “could use experience”. I have someone to work for now, and that’s something major I’m going to have to place in front of me like a beacon. I may have to cut others down in the process. I might have to act aggressively to obtain what I’d call success. I might have to shatter a few social boundaries in order to promote myself in the way that I see fit. There will be angry people. I may need to openly present myself as a corrupter of masses, in order to make my face known. To receive the attention I so deserve, you readers may be the last group to know me as a word of slightly well-informed opinion, rather than a villain and disturber of the peace. Such is the punishment for those who dare commit to the rattling of the common cage. However, if it means I can provide for those whom I love, I will gladly accept the target of a public enemy on my face. A challenger to the monotonous norms of society I shall be, and for this I’d ask only that you continue to listen. As long there are still people willing to say “At least consider Jake’s point of view”, I’ll know that I’ve done a bit of good.
There are plenty of you out there that know of my plight. You will do any and everything necessary to ensure the survival of your family. That is where I am, and there is not a single force on Earth large or strong enough to sway me. Last year at this time, I was miserable and completely willing to try to drift through searching for answers. By pure accident, I’ve found my source of happiness and now I must become an anchor to make sure that she doesn’t drift anywhere else, but at the same time ensure that she doesn’t sink with me. Many of you are quite possibly anchors in your own life. You know what it feels like to look up through the metaphorical ocean of burdens on your life, be able to see the sun above you, and know that there’s solace to be found in those you’re working to hold up. I can’t begin to imagine the amount of intolerable stress you put on yourself to ensure your loved ones know no pain, but I salute you for it.
I can only hope to accomplish my goal, as I dare not let down the only thing keeping me shoving forward towards the finish line. I may only be a writer, such as many of you are; however you know as well as I do that while you may be the one holding the pen, the people who you love are the ones who keep that pen perpetually moving, bringing you to new heights in creativity.