My Will Be Done
I haven’t written in quite a while. For that I apologize. It has been a trying month, and an even more ridiculous end of the month leading into now. A year ago, many things meant a lot to me. The evidence of where my priorities were strewn can be found all over. Last year at this point, I thought I had everything worked out. It seemed as if things were going smoothly, and just as it came to pass I was cast aside just as quick as my joy had re-entered my life. The financial strains had been lifted shortly thereafter, but it seemed as if there was no going back the direction I came from. Not that I’m complaining entirely; I’ve learned quite a lot over the past 365 days. I’ve travelled a further philosophical mile this past year than I ever have before. My entire ideology, and my worldview have completely shifted in ways that I now value above all else. I’ve come to recognize flaws in my own persona that I would’ve scoffed at before, and also thrown trepidation away as I become more opinionated with resolve over issues that had previously been one-sided.
365 days later, I’m now caught in a memory-lapse that I didn’t ask for. I stand in comparison over two times that don’t deserve to be placed next to one another.
An issue that springs to mind first off, is of course financial. However dire it may seem I am attempting to live one day to the next, anything is better than the shit that I was stuck in. I may still be stuck in a dead-end, but at least this side of the alley is better looking than the other. Now it’s only a matter of time before I start swaying back into what my original concept of future plans looked like. Schooling, is something that I’m definitely looking forward to jumping back into. However stacked against me the odds are now, it’s a welcome burden as I tread through the murky waters I once enjoyed. It would seem that possibilities become endless, but even I have my limits when it comes to tolerance of teaching methodology. I don’t exactly have a clean record with my previous school, and my reputation as a disturber of the peace has now become tarnished by close to a year of silence in between my stretches of academic achievement. I’m going to have to attempt to keep my ideals under control until I can get a grasp on what is considered taboo here, while I bide my time, harboring dangerous concepts and insipid creations of vile intent.
That of my social life has been thrown back into the abyss from whence it came. I have no need to venture outwards, therefore when I do it remains an exercise of conscious insanity. A single endless waltz that propels me into the most spontaneous of situations with the most unfamiliar of cliques. With all of these social circles, time and time again I am forced to extend my hand. A comforting blanket of anonymity allows me to never have to engage too far into the trenches of these groups. What becomes of our brief moments, usually end up in a warm good-bye that ends in a vague and linear fashion. Those who wish to retain my presence swiftly gain my contact information, but over this year I’ve come to recognize that mine truly is the grandeur of melancholy burning. It’s a somber mood, that people converse with me to preserve an insight. Something from within that sends them my direction when they are more open to challenging their own ideas, or accepting catharsis as a part of daily evolution. Admittedly, I am grateful for the appreciation that these people have, even if it is merely at the curiosity of never meeting someone such as myself. It allows me a moment to reconsider whether certain involvements are worth having, or retaining certain social principles may be harming me. I never dwell on these thoughts for too long however, as it is hazardous to one’s own sanity to question a newly engaged practice without further testing.
Loyalty has once again been established. It seems that the historical evidence of the progress of the Tokugawa shogunate is more accurate than I expected. It took the fierce actions of my own Daimyo to purposefully sway clan allegiances into line for things to fall back into place. After his initial reaction to the inactivity, people inherently began to take issues more seriously, pay more attention to detail and consequently push forth into a new era of our own prosperity. Suddenly, people began to gauge their own actions in accordance with the rules, and came to recognize their own fallacies. It no longer became an issue relevant to my own reaction. It was simply because they sought to better our group through their own image. This is the honor I spoke of. This greatly pleases me, and causes me to push myself harder regardless of how difficult the task at hand is.
Not to end on a slightly contradictory note, but it seems my nocturnal visions have not entirely dissipated. I had previously been with a grand absence of my atrociously horrific nightmares for months on end, but as it turns out in my quest to rid myself of them I have inadvertently replaced the imagery I had grown accustomed to with that of quite possibly a more damaging substitute. In my efforts to kill off the thoughts of the visually terrifying, I’ve since successfully transformed those images into something not so horrific. The projection in place, is that of an idealistic concept for my dream companion. That’s correct. Now, an incessantly tenacious visual powerhouse of intimate beauty has become permanently fixated into my unconscious mind. This accepting female is not only wonderfully endowed, she possesses what can only be construed as the most divine of voices. One that utters poetic language of poisonous temptation. The times I spend admiring what is placed in front of me are swiftly torn asunder as I awake to a mundane, and drab existence I am familiar with. With dreams shattered, and pleasure abolished, I am met with a rather upsetting depression that seems to carry me through my day. I hope that I can push through this, otherwise it seems disappointment will become my reality, and I’m very sick of being stuck on the train of perpetual disappointments.
I will return to writing regularly, as it seems to be the only solace in sight.