Verbal warfare through radical ideals

Lovecraft and Witch-hearts


Anyone who has ever been a bookworm, or a fan of literature will turn their head at the mention of the late great H.P. Lovecraft.

The name alone is enough to send millions into reminiscent fantasy of times spent lost within the pages of the master of horror himself. From “The Call of Cthulhu”, to “At The Mountains of Madness”, “The Rats In The Walls”, or even “The Shadow Over Innsmouth”, Lovecraft never fails to keep the reader absolutely captivated by the world of the macabre, and the thrill of the apocalyptic nature beyond all human comprehension. People all over the globe for nearly a century have been directly influenced by the leviathan of a literary genius that Lovecraft was, and he remains one of the most highly alluded to author’s in existence. Being a fan of the man myself and an avid reader for recreational purposes, I can only surmise that like myself many people now recognize Lovecraft’s work for what it is:

pornography for the intellectual.

That is why it confuses me when I hear that movie studios are so hesitant to pick up the rights to produce a live-action rendition of H.P. Lovecraft’s famous tale “At The Mountains of Madness”. Apparently, in 2006 Guillermo del Toro made an ambitious step towards this project. However, Warner Bros. seemed displeased with the story and decided to not fund the film due to “cost”. The other reason they decided to shut him down though boggles my mind. Evidently, the people at Warner Bros couldn’t seem to wrap their heads around the idea that there was no romance involved, and there was indeed no happy ending.

WTF?!?!

OF COURSE THERE ISN’T A HAPPY FUCKING ENDING YOU IDIOTS!

It’s H.P. fucking Lovecraft! Did you guys really expect him to add frills to the end of the story so it doesn’t sound as if there was a problem lying in wait in the Antarctic wastelands? Allow me to correct the end of the story for you, that way you can get over your issues and it will solve any discrepancies you might have had with the previous ending.

“As Danforth glanced back once more towards the edge of the plateau on the horizon, he gazed upon what could only be considered NOTHING AT ALL”.

The end.

There ya go Warner Bros. That’ll be a killer ending to it. It’ll keep people riveted and on the edge of their seats for ages to come. Just think too, it will be a monumental turning point for new age cinema, comparable only to the massive disappointment that was M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Village”. But at least you’ll be able to market it to audiences that have weak stomaches and want to leave the theater early so they can hop back on Facebook and tell others how shitty the movie actually was. What a stunning, and marvelously flattering tribute to Lovecraft’s original image! While we’re at it, we can get rid of the gigantic penguins as well in the movie. There’s no reason to keep doing penguin movies after “Happy Feet”, and “Surf’s Up” came out in 06′ and 07′. We can get rid of the Shoggoth too. There’s no reason to keep them when they clearly aren’t going to test well with target audiences. Let’s replace all of them with zombies, because nowadays everything goes better with zombies involved. Also, let’s move the story from Antarctica. Too many movies based there, and there’s just not much you can do with a landscape full of snow. Let’s give the CGI department a run for their money. Let’s put it in the middle east. That’s a much more recognizable setting currently, and it’ll be real easy for younger audiences to understand the location fully and relate to it. Perhaps we can even figure out a way to make it so that The Elder Things look more like World of Warcraft monsters! We’ll have to get well-known actors for it to sell properly, so for Professor Dyer, we’ll get Ian Mckellen. We can hire Robert Pattinson for Danforth too, even though he’s not even close to the age range or physical likeness. Finally, to wrap up the whole atrocity the right way we’ll do what every other gimmick fueled disaster has done as a trend for the past 3 years. That’s right. We’re showing this bitch in 3D!!!

We’ll call it “H.P. Lovecraft’s masterpiece reimagined: At The Desert Hills of Relative Discomfort”

On the other hand, I’m glad they are holding a slight amount of discretion as to which books and stories they choose to turn into live-action movies. After all, if you take one look at Eragon, Rose Red, Nightfall, half of the Harry Potter series, the Twilight series, Inkheart, Planet of The Apes, Beowulf, Sphere, Blood & Chocolate, Troy, and The Scarlet Letter, you’ll know how horrific a book can become when turned into a film. Perhaps it’s for the best that “At The Mountains of Madness” isn’t becoming a film. The last fucking thing I want to see is a million black T-shirts being printed at Hot Topic that have Pattinson’s face on it next to the word “Lovecraft”. I’m sure they’d find a way to make an individual iPhone application as well that allows you to read the story on the go, even though it’s short enough as is.

So remember you literature lovers out there: Hollywood is here to disappoint you no matter what you desire. If you want your favorite tales to be left alone, rest assured it will be released next summer with a star-studded cast of morons. If your tale is known to no one and deserves far more attention that it is currently receiving, chances are no one will ever pick it up, and if they do it will be picked apart based on every slight detail until a complaint is forced out.

But alas, “At The Mountains of Madness” as a film has since been abandoned and picked up again multiple times. No one has even tried to get further with it, and from the vast list of directors who were interested and then gave up, I can only hope that none of them dare shame one of the most precious works of horror ever written. As Lovecraft himself would’ve told you, this is indeed a happy ending. (for now)

-Jake

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One response

  1. Roxanne

    totally agree about how Hollywood adaptations of books can go bad… i personally would love to see a film based on the short story “Optional Music For Voice and Piano” by Poppy Z. Brite, but i think it may be best if the story’s left alone; they would probably end up making dramatic changes to the story or characters, like they did with Brite’s novel The Lazarus Heart, which became the third Crow movie, Salvation (which wasn’t totally bad in my opinion, but it could’ve been better… -_-‘)
    Not that all adaptations are bad; i loved the original Crow with Brandon Lee, even though it was different from the comic… but that’s just one success among many failures…

    May 8, 2011 at 6:55 PM

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