Verbal warfare through radical ideals

Nothing Remains

Metal is dying.

It pains me to have to place that sentence as my opener, but it’s more accurate than most people realize. The rate at which terrible, copy of imitation bands are appearing is alarming. It seems as if every day, a new band appears that continues to soil Heavy Metal’s good name further and further. This “Pleather metal”, is so easy to categorize it isn’t even funny anymore. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

Every time you have ever spotted an unoriginal line-up of boys age 18-23 who look as if they are the poster-children of Hot Topic, you’ve seen a pure example of the culprit responsible for the decay of metal. The malnourished, pseudo-furious, feminine, disgustingly uneducated yuppies of the garage band who decide to copy the screams of some other group and use it as their own to sell a mediocre 7 track list of recycled riffs and lyrics that they call an “album”. Shall I elaborate further?

If you’re looking for a fine display of the trash I am speaking of; you need look no further than the genre of “”post hardcore”, and bands listed as emo. They are easily enough the reason metal is becoming harder and harder to take seriously. Every single bland, tasteless, incoherent, intellectually challenged word that they screech out is another nail in the coffin that metal is being buried in. Perhaps it’s important though to understand how a band becomes a terrible emo band before I analyze why it is they are destroying the Heavy Metal we all know and love.

First off, their appearance. Quite possibly the easiest way to identify one of these nuclear holocausts before you actually have to listen to them. Begin with the hair, as it’s so difficult to miss that to do so means you’re legally blind. It’s long, which is not a problem. But the sweep just slightly over one of their eyes in a deliberate fashion almost certainly denotes the fact you’re dealing with a case of the emos. Second, the clothing choice. Chances are if they have the right hair, they’re also sporting a set of feminine clothes to match. Seeing as how the combined weight of one emo band is about 110 pounds, they all have slim fit tees. All of them. Even the guys, which ironically enough most of them are comprised of males who are more feminine than most females. Even worse, is that the slim fit tees are also v-neck shirts. These are of course designed to show off the ample cleavage of the 20-year-old stick-man. Besides this atrocity, you must now take into perspective the fact that to clean their hair up now they have provided pretty highlights into their hair to bring out a cute pink hue. Since I need not cover the guy-liner, I’ll go ahead and move on.

Now, the next important sign of a pathetic excuse for real music is the name of the band. This is a little more difficult to pick through, because of the vast array of cleverly designed names that are a cover-up for the fragile nature of the band and provide them a facade of false awesomeness. Unfortunately, if you’re as skilled as I am at uncovering the emo nature of bands, the name will not save them from a watchful eye. I will now provide a listing of emo bands currently. Their names are usually in between 3-6 words long, and can include female names or feminine touches to the tone of title. Enjoy this list of putrid words thrown together in an elegant fashion:

  1. Black Veil Brides
  2. From First to Last
  3. VersaEmerge
  4. A  Skylit Drive
  5. Break The Silence
  6. A Day To Remember
  7. Underoath
  8. The Devil Wears Prada
  9. Escape The Fate
  10. Alesana
  11. Bless the fall
  12. Eyes Set To Kill
  13. Greeley Estates
  14. Our Last Night
  15. Bring Me The Horizon
  16. Attack Attack
  17. Armor For Sleep
  18. Saosin
  19. Suicide Silence
  20. Scary Kids Scaring Kids
  21. A Kiss For Jersey

Hopefully, this list has cleared it up so that you may spot an emo band by title before you are forced to suffer through one of their songs.

Lastly, I must cover their musical style. As it is indeed all the same, and easy to spot with little to confuse with actual music. You see with practically all emo bands, the trend is simple. They follow 3 basic steps to be able to complete a song.

Trend #1: The song has to implement the usage of screaming. No…not skillful, original screaming with a purpose and logical octave; noises that comes by way of making gutteral sounds and attempting to enunciate through the terribly high and ridiculously low pitch growls you utter out of the bottom of your stomach. These must be incoherent at all times, and any sense of lyrics (which are poorly written, mind you) must disappear behind the wall of 90 decibel horror. They call it “false chord”, and they have teachers and instructors dedicated to making them sound like people who already scream in the same fucking way as every other emo band. I call it “pseudo screaming”.

Trend #2: Somewhere in the song, (usually the chorus) there must be a place for high pitch singing. This singing is usually of the octave only females can cover and usually include the most terribly conjured, emotionally scribbled lyrics ever written with some sort of message concerning the dull nature of modern society, or something revolving around failed relationships coated with a hint of bitter hatred, sugar-coated by “good-bye” messages about why they are “over” that person and why moving on is so good even though they haven’t the slightest fucking clue what moving on is. The other popular tune to sing about is why they are special and original, even though they’re ironically undistinguishable from any other group in the genre. This can include many violent phrases, and rugged sounding lyrics that put in a sense that they are not as fragile as they actually are. This musical style goes from screaming to girl singing, then back to screaming, and back to girl singing.

Trend #3: The last, and quite possibly most humorous and pitiful trait at the same time that encompasses all emo bands, is the “breakdown”. All of these bands do record a full album. Look through all of their songs. They are all in between two and a half minutes to five minutes. The catch to this though, is that they only make music during 45 seconds of any one song. That 45 seconds, is called their “breakdown” and is the only part of the song that people claim is worth listening to. Every emo child who has ever supported one of these bands but tries to market it to others subconsciously throws this line out. They will inform you of a spot in the song where it changes tempo completely, and the drums begin a period of near solo with a single guitar that riffs almost in unison with the beat, creating intermittent silence that they call a breakdown. Many angsty words are spoken in this breakdown, and this is when the emo band is allowed a few crucial seconds to headbang while they remember they are actually performing, and not throwing a tantrum live. So remember, don’t listen to the rest of the song. Just look for the breakdown, that way your suffering ends quickly.

If there’s anything we learn from the systematic destruction of this fine music genre, it’s that you can’t copy classic. There are no teachers that can give you the ability to growl like David Draiman of Disturbed, or mimic the original riffs and power chords of Slayer. There are no ways to imitate the lyrical genius of Dark Tranquillity, nor are there any performances as angsty as Marilyn Manson’s. There’s no such place in the failure of emo music for the instrumental complexity of Opeth’s ANYTHING, nor are there enough words to describe how the post-hardcore genre directly insults the image of punk it leeches from. There are no others like Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, or Trivium. There aren’t substitutes for In Flames, Killswitch Engage, or Chimaira. So far as I’m concerned, “The Sword” is the last hope for new-age bands in our generation. Their solid gold musical originality of this band blows classic bands away and it is something to be recognized and appreciated for its sacred feel. There aren’t any emo bands that don’t stop producing music in the same form, or are forced to dramatically change direction to keep an audience. They are easily forgotten and once their voice drops octave, they become useless to their former image  and must adapt into something not as likable to their previous fan base. They become another sub-genre of a shitty sub-genre, and soon phase out into the list of bands in the limelight. They’re not underground; they’re underdeveloped. They’re the reason metal is now referred to as “Screamo” by most musically ignorant morons, and remember children; you can’t spell screamo without “emo”.

-Jake   \m/_(^.^)_\m/————-Keep Music Evil

6 responses

  1. Amber

    How could you forget to bring up Hawthorne Heights?? DEAR GOD they need to be on every warning list in the world!

    Also, Saosin is not that emo… I don’t think.

    April 20, 2011 at 7:51 AM

  2. Amber

    Okay those are fine, but I just found some REALLY emo lyrics, but I can’t remember where they come from:

    “Lie to me, cry to me, give to me
    I would
    Lie with me, die with me, give to me
    I would
    Keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair
    I hope at least we die holding hands for always…”

    April 21, 2011 at 7:08 AM

  3. I’m pretty sure that The Cure and The Smiths were some of the forefathers of emo and they were before 1990.

    April 25, 2011 at 6:44 AM

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