My dear readers, forgive my absence.
It has been a trying week, and contrary to popular belief heavy thinking does inhibit heavy writing. You see, I’m now faced with a moral dilemma that I can honestly say I didn’t see coming. A part of being a gaming clan leader is the duty to be able to be there for your members as a big brother. I try my best to encompass everything that a supportive brother would be in most situations. I sit back and let them do their daily routines and commit to endeavors that they engage in, with little interference until something goes wrong or they need that extra push. I would view this as perfectly normal, and to a certain degree I believe I owe it to them as my friends and not just members because of the amount of dedication and committment that they unquestioningly promote upon our, and my behalf every single day. There are few people I can name that would honestly go to the lengths to ensure a goal is achieved, and my gaming community holds the torch for those ambitions.
To the untrained eye, we look like a horribly scripted group of ragtag assholes with nothing better to do than mess around on games all day and attempt to make a name for ourselves in a meaningless realm of digital endeavor. A gaming clan is much more than this stereotype. Some of my clan members I have known longer than real life friends. They’ve been constantly vigilant in the face of real life problems, and still continue to support my causes (when they are reasonable). They hardly take breaks, and they hold me and the group in high regard even when placed next to much more signficant issues. This is something you cannot buy. This complete disregard for their own time to selflessly commit to a small, and rather distasteful cult-like organization as ours is not only empowering to me; it’s an emotionally gripping force that compels me to do things to this day that I wouldn’t even do for extended family.
This is why, I become injured when one of my close friends enters our voice communication server one day to let me know that not only does he believe I’m fake; he also thinks that I’m a hypocrite and that he doesn’t care for me. Now if anyone else had said that, (some family included) I’d laugh my ass off and continue throughout my day unscathed. This is not the case here. No, to be told by one of the people you’d consider one of your closest friends that he can’t take you anymore is not only damaging, it’s fucking crippling. I would honestly prefer the kick in the throat. At least that momentary lapse of pain would subside quickly.
My friend (who I will call John out of respect for his privacy) has not had the easiest two years, let alone life. He recently lost a close family member, and has lived most of his youth as I had, in one form of isolation or another. This is one of those situations that not only do I recognize instantly as a catalyst for such a condition, it’s practically unbearable when thinking about it vicariously. John has always had a bit of low self-esteem, but I guess I tend to forget this sometimes. After a long burden of solitude contemplating times that I’ve spent pushing negative influence against him, it has come to my attention that although I may not have directly intended to cause any harm; the fact remains that for honest reasons he has a serious grievance about the things I’ve said or done, and has now lashed out in an attempt to make me see through his eyes what I haven’t seen through my own. I can blame no one but myself for such an act of betrayal, and whether or not I understand the full reasoning I must come to perceive that which cannot be seen with the eye.
John has had to deal with people shoving all his life. One trial after the other of people treading on his feelings, repeatedly ensuring that he wasn’t going to get back up on two feet again. Meshed together with the ideals that “you’re never going to be good enough”, and “you’re worthless”; it’s clear that he doesn’t need another person who just wants him to change for them. John was an admin in my clan, and did quite well. Unfortunately, out of a misplaced sense of encouragement for his actions I pushed a little too hard and it has now been taken as an act of disregard for his capabilities, therefore strengthening the preset negative image that he has retained for himself for so long. In my process to try to get him more involved, I’ve continuously severed his line of trust and understanding with me. It has never been intentional. Hindsight is 20/20, and unfortunately it’s also shown in high-definition. If I was a better friend and leader, I would’ve done the constructive thing and tried to prove to him, as he has proven to me that he is a respectable leader; worthy of anyone’s loyalty and admiration. He turns the other cheek when I cannot, and shows compassion in situations I would never even consider it. As far as the image of “kind” is concerned, John fits the description and so much more. He has let people into his house on a whim out of the kindness of his heart, just to be trampled over as if they owned him. The last thing he needs is another immoral prick like myself trying to present a perspective in such an arrogantly jaded fashion that no light escapes.
I truly hope that I’m able to talk to John again. Things as of late have been rather tense, and I’d rather not lose a friend because of my insensitivity to his needs. I would never ever give a flying fuck about sensitivity for people. With most people, I intentionally strike the jugular because I have little regard for what is held sacred, and I feed upon the insecurities and weakness they attempt to keep concealed from human eyes. If I had known it was going to turn into this, I can without a doubt say I’d cast my attitude and pride aside. It’s worthless compared to my friend, and to think that he believes me to be a disloyal friend is a vividly horrible thing. I will bend and break a few rules for him, because he has always been there for me when I needed it. He’s seen what it has been like in my days of torture and constant overbearing monotony. He has extended a helping hand even on things that he truly should not have had to volunteer for. He put me first in issues that I selfishly placed as a priority because I felt it was necessary. When I look around my gaming community walls at what we’ve managed to build with our own hands, I understand that it’s much bigger than myself. There’s a whisper of gratitude, and tranquillity within. There’s a silent loyalty lurking around every corner. There are the watchful eyes of every person who knows who their brothers and sisters are. That’s why I say that for the sake of my friend, I shall put down the mantle of being Link; he needs the Jake he came to trust more than ever, and I’m not willing to sacrifice him to be “right” on a subject.