Verbal warfare through radical ideals

The One Brooding Warning


I received this today.  I believe I should be worried.

Dear Jake,

First of all, allow me to express what a fine job you’re doing as a human being. You’ve managed to not murder anyone yet, or steal anything horribly important to anyone.

With that being said, I must inform you of the fact that you have a few traits that have drawn considerable attention to you.

What I’m talking about, is your constant usage of profanity. You seem to not have the ability to censor yourself around many crowds, and you’ll utter in a rather audible tone words that people should not hear out of your mouth. That’s not a good thing for a gentleman such as yourself to be showing, and you should try hard to control your tongue whenever you’re around others. 

You antagonize anything and everything, Jake. Anything in society that is even slightly against a strict protocol you hold about individualism, immediately gets thrown up in front of you like a gigantic target, and you attack it viciously until there’s either no target left or it has dissipated into a phase that most people already recognize and move forward amicably from. Why Jake, do you choose to dwell over it when people are perfectly happy ignoring the trivial nature of subjects bound to their own conformity?

Lastly, I’m sick of you attempting to discredit my existence. Why is it so difficult for you to comprehend the awe-inspiring truth? I made all things you see around you…err- EXCEPT war, famine, drought, narcotics, mass genocide, epidemic, and global catastrophes like floods, tornadoes, tsunamis, and earthquakes. Those, I had nothing to do with. I just make good things, that way I have to be accepted by gullible people and not blamed so they don’t come to hate me. Besides, how could you not see that I exist? I mean, I know it looks like there’s so many different versions of me from all the different books. Haven’t you read them before? They all make a lot of sense too. It’s not like those books are a form of control for the masses out of an incredible fear of anything supernatural or superstitious. You think they were designed for primitive people, but you have no idea of how I work. If you only knew how efficient it is, to put out a message and then have a million different generations reinterpret my teachings and rules. Humans would never take advantage of each other out of avarice; if you think so you’re just crazy.

So, before you even THINK about telling another person that I more than likely don’t exist… think again. Because if you get one more person on your side, I’m going to actually show up instead of secretly tell people all around the globe in confidence, and beat down your door. Ugh! Just thinking about ungrateful little assholes like yourself, who would like nothing better than to tell people I’m not real makes me want to just make the moon collide with your damn planet. I mean, who the hell do you think you are to question the idea of something that no one has ever seen or heard from? You’re a little piece of shit, and if you think you’re getting away with it you’re sorely mistaken!! I wish I knew who made you, I’d go back and flog them with Odin’s Hammer. Oh, wait I made you. That’s right!!!!! Now, if you tell one more fuckin person I don’t exist, I’m coming down to Earth and I’m getting medieval on your punk ass. Don’t think I won’t either. I sent my own fuckin son to die, so that makes me a cold mutha fucka.

For the record, stop listening to Slayer and Marilyn Manson too. They’re bad for you, and I plan on killing them all on a bus heading to my favorite city, Salt Lake City. The Mormons are gonna love watching those devil worshippers burn. Oh, and leave Fred Phelps alone. He’s right. I do hate fags, and there’s nothing more heartening than watching a large group of country bumpkins give praise to me for killing homosexuals. Can’t stand em’. Not one bit. Bet you believed that was bullshit too, didn’t you? You damn atheist trash.

Now, go worship me and give thanks that I don’t smite you for your thoughts and intentions right now. Whatever you do, it’s already a part of my grand plan, so you have no control. So if I get you killed because of something I made you say or do, it’s your own fault for not believing in me because I made you not believe in me. Bitch.

Love, God!

I could be mistaken, but I think this letter is fabricated. How could I be so sure? I’ve never said “more than likely not real”. I’m more prone to say “absolutely does not exist you insane, neurologically disturbed tool”. This person is clearly ill-informed. I’ll make sure to have a word with their parents.

-Jake

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