No matter what image has been bequeathed to me by the slew of females I have known, I refuse to admit that I’m 100% senseless male.
From my earliest moments of childhood, it was drilled into me by my parents the values and morals that anyone could come to respect. I learned quickly about the value of manners, and courtesy. I developed a keen sense for being a decent conversationalist. I even learned how to retain a form of humility while communicating with people, and how to refrain from becoming upset by the reactions that others have towards me.
As an adolescent however; my entire worldview was shifted and contorted by my peers, and those around me who felt that I wasn’t quite up to speed with how males should act. I learned quickly the fine art of female seduction, and how to counteract its effects. I learned what encompasses the ideals of showing off one’s masculinity, and why flaunting it boosted the image. I became part of a social clique at my school, and fine tuned my thoughts on brotherhood alike. From them, I was enlightened by their perspective on the open relationship; why it’s reasonable to just have sex with no strings attached, and why you should not show any concern for trying to make a serious committment to any female while you still have the ability to pick up girls as you please. I value these lessons as something fundamental to my existence.
…heh. Who honestly bought that pitiful passion play? I didn’t learn a fucking thing from high school that came remotely close to the atrocious list you see above. The thought that I even had a close circle of friends in high school is a joke beyond words. I talked to girls in high school. I was in a sectional in band that was 99% female. I have a deep appreciation for opera, and heavy metal. I think before I speak, and I judge actions based on logic and reason rather than the hair-trigger that is emotional reaction. Never once have I bothered to gauge the ideas of those around me as something I need to learn myself. To be fair, I have had my own experiences of failure in the department of relationships.
For quite a while last year, I felt that I should attempt to live out the actions I seemed to have bypassed during high school when I was involved in a serious monogamous relationship. I went out with several women who I would normally consider to be at the opposite end of the spectrum of what I desired and went where eagles dare when I tread into the den of such females addicted to substances that I wouldn’t touch on a dare. These females sometimes were at the top of the looks department, but cheap to buy their affection, and so fragile that the slightest remarks about their trivial and pointless existence sent them into frenzies of absolute rage. These were women that just met men for a good time, never to be serious…no matter what they told people. They tried to convince me they wanted to settle down with a nice guy, but the “nice guy” they are chasing is a cruel mirage in the middle of a desert they can’t seem to find their way out of. Needless to say, my year I spent with females of the hardcore caliber was not one of which I’d like to return to. It’s hard for me not to demonize what that counter-culture is, as it is such a life-style that I would never choose for myself or my loved ones. I understand that many people function normally under it though, and it fits their schedule and worldview just fine. No one can argue with that, I guess.
I’m not like that though. I do look for serious committment. I am seeking completion. As the archetype of the “Wrath-Child” I would think this won’t come easy either. I look for the intelligence factor. I’m always interested in someone who has a strong opinion about a subject, and a specific set of reasons as to how they base their argument. I’m looking for a rather high level of self-esteem, if not teetering on the boundary line of arrogance. As vain as it sounds, my love for Heavy Metal is something I’d like to be able to share with someone else, but I would never push someone else into liking something that just isn’t their cup of tea. I think most importantly though, is that I’m looking for the duplication of myself. Someone who isn’t afraid to shell out a little needed hostility in any situation, no matter who the audience is. A calm, collected inferno of fiery reserved wit who won’t hold her tongue from lashing out. An individual, who not only grins upon the thought of being assassinated for her strong beliefs and ideology; the thought that there are not enough good leaders left on the planet brings a great sorrow to her heart. Even with my last 4 year failure, I never experienced that hybrid moment.
Give me a moment.