To Bid You Farewell
It has always perplexed me to no end, why people sucker into the monotony and dull trends of funerals. Allow me to describe every funeral you’ve ever known.
- Upon entering the faith-based, and stained-glass littered funeral home, or church…you’re met by the soft voice of the people standing around, talking in a hushed tone. No one truly knows what to say to one another, so they riff horribly and brag about the life they don’t have in a less than humble manner. Oh, we’re just getting started.
- Upon taking their seats, you get to watch as the recently deceased person’s immediate family takes their places at the front, as if they just scored pit tickets to the most fucked up concert possible. Who the hell wants to sit that close? You’ll then be forced to endure as people shuffle in, in an awkward manner and space out as pointlessly as possible to ensure they don’t have to sit close to anyone that bought them a shitty perfume last christmas.
- The wonderfully tasteless funeral service starts, where people sit with their fidgeting children in pews that are without a doubt the least comfortable thing you could ever hope to place your already uncomfortable ass into with the rest of your family. At this point, a few people come up to the podium to deliver the most horrid pieces of trash to ever be considered a “eulogy” of any sort. They are sorrow filled, horribly selfish paragraphs written so that they don’t have to feel as if they were never close to the person…which chances are they weren’t. After this, if you’re imagining a newer age funeral…you’re also going to be forced to sit through the worst slide-show thrown together on a whim that anyone could ever imagine. There will be a disgusting country soundtrack to it, and probably Lady GaGa’s newest hit single.
- If you’re sitting through a horrible religious ceremony as well, you’re going to have to oblige the rest of the people present by allowing yourself to sing a shitty version of “Amazing Grace”, and other idiotic folk songs that way everyone in the room can feel like they are still stuck somewhere in the 1950’s.
- You then must follow in the pity parade to the cemetery where the person will be buried. Of course, upon arrival you’re met with more tearful faces…because they can’t get on their iPhone and check their Facebook, not to mention that the game is on today and they are wasting valuable time while this douche bag is already dead. The preacher, or whomever is there then proceeds to say a few words and a prayer about the deceased, and everyone stands around the circus sideshow, while the spotless, immaculately designed death-capsule, (that costs more than a pre-owned vehicle, mind you) is lowered into the earth…never to be viewed again. Everyone whimpers pitifully for a few minutes, then eagerly hops in their car before someone in the family can take the opportunity to invite them to their house to reminisce about the deceased over coffee and countless snacks provided by others.
The point I’m trying to make is; If you just died, would you want your loved ones spending their time doing ANY of this shit? I’m sorry if this sounds horrible (no I’m not) …but who honestly looks forward to this and says “Oh boy, that’s gonna happen after I’m dead”. I can’t think of anything that would be a bigger insult to the dead, than force-feeding a bunch of distant relatives and friends a poorly constructed, half-ass apathy ceremony. I have a solution for this, and I encourage everyone to do something about this atrocity that occurs, even if you’re not going to be around to watch the fireworks.
First off, when I die:
- There will be an extravagant, over the top invitation list. I will invite anyone who has ever known me, and for some I’ll even attempt to charge admission. Seeing as how I’m dead, this guilt trip will make them feel more obligated to come and I will enjoy it. Even in death, my sense of humor knows no shame. The message will read, “Come rejoice on ( insert date, hopefully around christmas so I can kill everyone’s holiday cheer) with our family as we say good-bye to that piece of shit lowlife that we called Jake. It will be a jovial occasion, filled with entertainment, food, and all the booze you can drink to try and kill yourself with alcohol poisoning. If you cannot come, we understand but please know that you will be blacklisted, and the innocent will be sacrificed every time your name is uttered. Thank you”. That’ll get the attendance rate soaring.
- Next, no expensive coffin. There is nothing more absolutely vain than throwing a corpse into a fluffy bed of comfort that looks more enticing than your bed at home. No, I want a dilapidated, foul, nasty looking coffin with a large cement slab on top with a lock on the front. Not only could you charge admission to my grave afterwards, you can market off the novelty of it for ages. Also, just to add to the mysticism of it…I want the famous quote from “The Call of Cthulhu” etched onto the face of the slab stating, “That is not dead which can eternal lie,
and with strange aeons even death may die.”
HOLY SHIT, you’ll have some scared people who stroll that cemetery. Perhaps I forgot to mention the most important part about this whole “coffin scheme”, is that I don’t want to be buried in it. Why ruin the mystery? I want it to be an empty coffin. What will become of my cadaver? Well let me finish!
- As for my body, I of course want the organs donated to the medical field. Anything that can be salvaged…of course should be. That’s the only boring part of this. Once they are done extracting everything though, I want to be sewn back up, with a large quantity of animal entrails placed into my body. Before I die, I will locate the most unruly thrash metal band imaginable, and inform them that I want my body to be dismembered live, on stage in front of thousands of fans. They will then scare the hell out of the fans by spraying them with the blood in my body, and leaving my organs scattered across the stage and pit at the encore of the show. I would ask Slayer to do this, but I’m pretty sure they’ll be done touring by the time I am dead. If not though, my body parts go to Slayer. (let it be known!)
- As for the boring funeral (I bet you all thought I forgot it) I will make sure it serves its purpose. First off, I always thought I didn’t want to have it in a church. I now realize I do, if not just for the dramatic irony of the situation, and trust me…it’s worth it. Keep the pews. I’m not going to be there…why the hell do I care how comfortable they are? I’ll let them choose whether they sit or not. Now, here’s the fun part. As for my pointless slide-show, I’m going to give it to them. I’m going to make a 25 minute slide-show of the exact same picture of me grinning like the asshole I am, while Metallica’s “For Whom The Bells Toll” loops in the background over, and over again. By the 3rd play through, I will include the lyrics for those who don’t already know the song by then up on the large screen.
- As for my idiotic soundtrack of Amazing Disgrace, and other folksy bullshit…That will be replaced with a much more enjoyable list. I’m dead, but damn will I be laying on my death-bed in a fit of laughter. I will make sure to pass out on small pamphlets, the lyrics to every single song…and I will have my family record as the following songs are sang in obnoxious unison by my extended family, friends, and acquaintances…This is my funeral soundtrack. To fully grasp how epic this will be, I encourage all of you to go look these songs up on YouTube. I promise it will be time well spent.
- “Night of The Living Dead”, “Where Eagles Dare” and “Die, Die My Darling” by The Misfits.
- “Violent Pornography”, and “Fuck The System” by System of a Down.
- “Hell Awaits”, and “Disciple” by Slayer.
- “Around The World” by Daft Punk
- The “Irresponsible Hate Anthem” by Marilyn Manson
- “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails
- “Du Hast” by Rammstein
- “Down With The Sickness” by Disturbed
If you just imagined dozens of awkwardly placed people attempting to sing along to these lyrics in a church setting, then you’re more than likely as amused as I am right now. This list, has to be one of the most cruel jokes ever to play on people that you’re never going to see again. I think it’s perfect…but just to end it the right way, I’ll finish with a bang.
- After this horrible tirade of mean-spirited goodness I have forced my family and friends to endure, I will close with a video I will make before my death. It will feature a final good-bye message, informing them of what good sports they all were. I will then go into a major rant about all the pointlessly vain, and stupid shit they have made ME endure over the years, in chronological order. I will make sure to spare no profanity, and ensure that every single person who deserves to be made a target will be made one. I will then inform all the people in the room of all the horrible things they have said about one another, and all details will be shared. With that being said, I’ll end with a maniacal laugh at the end, that stretches far too long for anyone to find reasonable…and tell my children and wife I love them.
As my empty coffin leaves the room, and my family hands everyone a simple direction to my movie-production quality grave-site, I will usher them out of the room with Tool’s song “Eulogy” being blasted over the speakers of the church. I have now ensured, that no one will ever forget me ever again. They may hate me, but I’ll be damned if they forget me.
Well…damn. I’m just ready to die now.