The day is done. 24 hours ago the burden of living through “Glorious Couple” day was a reality, suffocating all who dared to get too close to it. It’s the 15th of February, are we all still here?
Even if we’re not, that’s okay. I’m sure they would’ve wanted me to trudge on anyways…because they were loyal readers and dedicated fans. (Probably not) The point is, it was a long day. Long by anyone’s standards. I’m talking in terms of anticipation of it being over, of course. Minutes could not pass quickly enough. Perhaps I’m being melodramatic, but it’s about to get worse. The rabbit hole just opened up for me.
I’ve come to acknowledge that not only am I looking in the wrong direction with my relationship compass, I’m also looking in unnecessary places. The past couple months have been a numbing experience that has allowed me to look closer at what I see myself doing. I now have a bit of freedom. My pointless errand is now complete, and I can rest assured at the fact that it’s all forward from here. Time is on my side for once, and choices are marvelous path by which I may now begin to rebuild. The only question now is, where do I start? Everything that should be in perspective now, has been tossed out. For a long time I didn’t have to worry about it. Days could pass by and I knew what I needed to do everyday to keep sane, and where I needed to be, and whom I needed to be with. I’ve come home with my lessons, and I will use them as a blast-shield from here on out.
However, at the same time I am presented with the pathetic realization that not only do I have little foundation to base my search off of; I’m losing my grip. From each nightmare I have to endure, it’s as if the looking-glass has become a 2-way mirror and everyone is on the outside looking in. I can’t guarantee there is anyone one the other side of the glass though, which is a more fear-inspiring thought than other things I’ve come to think of. The other thought that plagues me, is a list of negative reinforcement from everyone I can imagine who has already been breathing down my neck about shit. It’s one monologue of tyrannical bias after the other, and I grow weary of having to listen to it. In the end, there is only myself to place trust in, and all others fall into a category of “distant second”. I have to be my own best friend, and watch my back when my “friends” are too busy worrying about everything but my well-being, and my family is so in the dark of my recent social ambitions.
It’s more than fine though. I’ve been here before. It’s safe. When in doubt, take a look at your past. I went and found mine today. It wasn’t pretty either. When your original prize looks as if she’s been on a shelve for too fuckin long, it’s probably because she was the silver medal, not the gold. There’s nothing healthier than taking a long hard look at your past and realizing you dodged a bullet. I’ve been doing that all day, and then some. Not to mention, when you hit the really big speed bumps, and then are allowed a grin when you realize they are living the dream of a crack-addict…it’s indescribable; the overwhelming pride and satisfaction that you have when you realize your dignity and integrity is still intact compared to theirs.
So, moral of the story children? Pick yourself up off the ground. It’s a brand new day, and you have little time to worry about what’s going to happen next. Go and face it eagerly. As Testament stated once in their classic anthem, “Over the wall I will go!!!”.