Verbal warfare through radical ideals

Bad advice from fake friends


Well, it was superbowl sunday yesterday. I am sorry to say I haven’t written for the past couple days because I have just been so excited for it. I know you all were looking forward to my rants, but I’m sorry to say the NFL comes before all of you.

Hell, who am I kidding? Football is about as entertaining to me as reading the ingredients on shampoo bottles. No, I was running a ridiculous fever, and slept the whole time. But, I’m feeling better now and will now continue the rally as scheduled. Like I was saying though, yesterday…was the superbowl. Therefore, the tradition I must suffer unfailingly is the dreaded phone call from one of my high school friends, who has made it his personal endeavor for years to call me and pester me about sports jargon that I could care less about. As if that wasn’t enough proof that purgatory exists, this year he also decided to put me through what can only be described as the longest hypocritical lecture over being in a relationship that I could ever imagine.

According to him, I have come to expect too much of my relationships. This reasoning, is because of several factors that he says are just part of my nature. (Because he’s a behavioral psychologist beneath that idiotic exterior). Apparently, “I want girls to be too much like me”. From that, I’ve derived that he believes I want a girl of obtuse character, as I’d love for her to always enjoy expanding her knowledge, as well as have a distinct personality that stretches in some shape or form beyond the limits of what I’ve come to know as normal.

He also says that, “I’m looking for some girl who is as big of a hard-headed tyrant as I am”. This means that, because I look  at myself as being an influential person for as little role as I currently play, I go completely out of my way to make decisions that are not only against the idea of group-think; I sometimes make the decision because of my fear of simply agreeing with a group. This can make me an incredibly unfavorable person, and I get called a kill-joy because of it. Perhaps the title fits? The point he’s getting at I believe though, is that I am practically looking for a girl who looks her friends in the face when they are wrong, and not only tells them “no”…but “FUCK NO”.

Lastly, I am unable to hold a relationship because I “Always expect the girl to change for me when she’s not up to my standard”. I don’t even have a point to support this one. I’ve heard that years of recreational drugs can lead to the deterioration of the logical thinking of an individual, but I’ve never seen it in action until yesterday. My friend’s critical analysis of my intimate past are so spot-on that I can’t begin to describe how madly serious I am about trying to get him a job as a freudian psychiatrist. I think that he has serious potential to teach those 30+ years veterans of the field something. Such as, why the lobotomy was such an effective tool to keeping people silent and peaceful.

No, my friend doesn’t have the foggiest fucking clue as to why my relationships don’t work. He hasn’t been there for most of them, nor has he bothered to be involved in any of it. In fact, the throne of hipocrisy will have to be passed down to his son, as he holds it until the day he dies. Why is that, you may ask? Allow me to elaborate. My friend for the past 8 years has committed the following acts of blatant compassion, and utter understanding of the female mentality.

  1. Dated a girl, and broken up with her after a month. He then proceeded to date her younger sister, without a thought as to negative repercussion. When that fell through, he sank low enough to date the youngest of the three sisters…this one being a minor. I’d like to add that given a couple years later, she would STILL be a minor. Enough said.
  2. He took a girl to prom who he liked, and took pictures with her. He then took another set of pictures with another girl and forced both girls to pay for the pictures. To my knowledge, he keeps both sets of prom pics right next to his bed.
  3. He broke up with a girl because she accidentally broke his bong.
  4. He took a girl to a Chemical Brothers concert, and then left her at the concert because he got too drunk to remember he brought her. I had to pick her up and take her home so she wouldn’t be stuck in downtown Dallas over-night.
  5. He asked a girl to marry him 3 months into a relationship, and then 1 year later when she told him she was pregnant, acted as if she had kicked him in the throat and filed for divorce.
  6. He spelled his wife’s name wrong on a bracelet he had engraved. No, it wasn’t a typo by the engraver.

This list, is not only reason enough for me to never, ever take this man seriously; this list alone is reason enough for me to reconsider my entire outlook on relationships to be not only healthy, but abso-fucking-lutely original. If I had a nickel for every time my friend has given me terrible advice under the impression he was doing me a favor, I would have enough cash to balance the country’s budget, and supply my entire gaming community with a paid salary and a 401k. I don’t just think my friend is wrong, I think he’s out of his fucking mind.

If I wanted advice of his caliber about my personal life, I’d open a goddamn fortune cookie. At least that way I receive my disappointment on paper. Not to mention if I don’t like the advice, I’d probably still enjoy the minitaure layer of sugar, vanilla, and flour wrapped around it.

-Jake

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