Hazardous Anomaly Detected. Automated Quarantine Engaged.
Those words have haunted me for two years now. It brings me much pain, and solace to be absolutely 100% complete today. Today, I picked up my beautiful copy of “Dead Space 2”. This game, was one of the most horribly enthralling games I’ve ever invested in. But this time, I didn’t have to. And best of all, the person I was originally going to share the game with, is nowhere in sight when I play it. Which brings me to a wondeful thought process. I have a small sense of nostalgic depression when I think about this game. Mainly because the person I played the game with the first time around, was my love. Or so I thought. We stayed up all night playing it to the end, dragging the artifact all the way up to the surface of Aegis-7. It was one of the best times I’ve ever had, even though we were exhausted. You know what the funniest part of this whole scenario is? It’s a distant wet dream now. Why, may you ask? I’ll tell you.
Because I won’t be sharing this game with anyone for a long time. I had the wonderful misfortune of being in a relationship with a dishonest leech. Yes, that’s how I feel. When you spend 3 years with someone who loves metal, gaming, and being care-free… throw a death at them, constant domestic issues, and a car crash, and I guarantee you’ll make one very unhappy flake. Then, once she’s done even though you take the time to come back after selling your dignity to admit you were wrong, she’ll tell you that she has to work on her career. What she doesn’t admit though, is that her career has short brown hair, and she has been working on her “career” long before you showed up. But that’s fine. Then you find the happy couple pictures on an open forum where anyone can find it. That’s fine though. It’s about time she got balls. Being spineless and without a sense of courage for so long will eventually turn someone against you, and I’m glad she just found a backbone before it was too late. She never had one with me, so I guess she deserves it. To be fair, you more or less have to question whether or not someone is mentally unstable when they accuse god of punishing them when they suffer a car-wreck. But enough of that.
The point is, dead space is going to be much more enjoyable now. I’d like to point out some of the more cookie points of this game. First off, Visceral is so cruel to Isaac this time around. Not only is there not a gradual build up to the beginning suspense, there’s not even a tiny grace period. The second the opening video starts, you’re thrust face first into a maelstrom of horrific situations. You’re disoriented, stumbling around in the large city located outside the rings of saturn known as “The Sprawl”. But wait there’s more. You’re in a straight-jacket, minus weapons and no light. Even better; the Necromorphs have chosen to make you their creepy fetish kick-toy, and are willing to get even more hostile to do it. Not only that, there are many more people on board now. Lots of people to attempt to protect, and they still die in the process. You’re following directions from a lady that really throws you under the bus, and constantly. “QUICKLY ISAAC! INTO THAT DEAD END BEFORE YOU RUN INTO AN AMMO SPAWN”! It’s a bit like that.
Not only that, Visceral made the pop-outs more creepy this time. And more often. Not just the standard creepy sound effect either. No, no, no. They went the whole nine yards for the sequel. They wanted to make sure that when you’re doing your daily routine around the house, you twitch when you do things. Such as, when you’re waltzing through the shower room on the sprawl, and all of a sudden all the faucets, and shower heads come on at the same time, at a water flow level of “full blast”. Yeah, see if you don’t cringe in the shower the next time you get in. Besides that, the liberal usage of necromorphs “playing dead” this time around, and the very obnoxious perfection of muffled sound in the cold of space, are all wonderful reasons to take years off your life by buying Dead Space 2. I personally am getting my money’s worth for the game. I am entertaining my gaming clan too, as they listen to my hilariously nervous bitching down every hallway. Moral of the story? Don’t think…just get lost in Dead Space. PRAISE ALTMAN!!!!
“omfg, omfg, omfg something just pushed that wheelchair!!! oh shit oh shit, guys dude they are trying so hard to go for surreal creepy on this—-OHFUCKME!!! *multiple plasma cutter shots fired* shitshitshitshitshit GET OFF MY ASS DAMN!!!!!!! Dude, they just popped out of the air vents from multiple sides! How is that fair? I got stuck with 9 shots and I can’t even save one for—OMFG WHATTHEFUCK! *fires blindly into dark* *click of empty clip*….Wow. Wonderful. Now I have to either thrash my way through like it’s a Danzig mosh pit, or try to appeal to the necromorph’s wallet. I’m sure Visceral said “let’s make this ‘resident evil ridiculous’ for the–‘HOPYLFUCXKINGNFGDOMFG GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!! GUYS I MADE IT!!! YES! OMFG…………..WHAT WAS THAT NOISE!??!?! Oh nevermind that was me accidentally bumping the trash can. LOL! Hey!!! A save point! finally…*phone rings* (Jake jumps)”
Now I just need to find a female bold enough to take the controller and play when I flip out too much. Well, I’m done for now. I’m going to go convince myself that I’m still a man.
-Isaac Clark (uhh, I mean Jake.)